


Duty Is Different

by P1nk_cupcak3



Category: Hakuoki, Hakuouki
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Boyfriends, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Boys' Love, Falling In Love, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, Gay Male Character, Gay Panic, Gay Sex, M/M, Master/Servant, Ochimizu | Water of Life (Hakuouki), Romance, Samurai, Shinsengumi - Freeform, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-05
Updated: 2019-05-31
Packaged: 2019-11-12 13:23:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 36,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18011717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/P1nk_cupcak3/pseuds/P1nk_cupcak3
Summary: The political turmoil between the Shogun and the Emperor is escalating and the Shinsengumi are at the centre of it. The pressure of leading the regiment is lonely and isolating for Hijikata. More and more he begins to depend on Yamazaki to find the information he needs to make his decisions. Yamazaki is devoted in his duty to the Commander, and as the war pushes the Shinsengumi to extinction, Hijikata and Yamazaki find there is little to cling to but each other.





	1. Chapter 1

1.

There was a gentle knock on the door. Hesitant, it could only have been one person...

“What is it Chizuru?”

The door slid open, and Chizuru peeked around it, head bowed eyes darting. She always looked awkward, anxious... guilty. Despite her constantly suspicious manner, time after time she’d proved her loyalty to the Shinsengumi. After she’d found out about Kodo’s experiments with the water of life, it was only natural for her to feel some kind of responsibility. Hijikata never blamed her for how she had struggled with the decisions of her father, none of the Captians had, but he supposed she carried the guilt all the same.

Hijikata looked up from the desk, fixed her with a cool gaze, “Well?”

Chizuru shifted her feet awkwardly and raised her face to meet Hijikata’s. She flushed, chewing on her lower lip. It was clear that she wanted something, he just hoped she’d get to the point quickly.

“Hijikata...I.... wanted to ask whether you needed anything this evening? I’ve finished the tasks Inoue asked me to and I just wondered whether there was anything you needed me to do?”

She quickly bowed her head back towards the floor. Hijikata intimidated her and he knew it. Hell, he thrived on his ability to conjure up the correct balance of fear and respect among the rank and file, getting this reaction from a timid young woman was no effort whatsoever. He smiled inwardly. 

“No, I’ve no need for anything Chizuru. You may finish for the evening...” he replied dismissively turning to his papers when he caught her look up at him fleetingly. Hijikata detected a hint of hesitation, she hadn’t actually asked for what she really wanted, he thought. He pounced on the silence,

“And....?” He barked, his gaze biting into her. Chizuru’s eyes darted to meet his stare, then quickly to the floor again. Well, she must really want whatever this is going to be, Hijikata thought, a half smile almost crept to his lips. Chizuru, summoning confidence, persisted.

“Could...could I please have permission to leave the compound? Heisuke... um...and the other captains had asked If I would be able to go out for the evening...and...i...”

She trailed off, confidence ebbing as quickly as she’d found it. Hijikata watched her with an emotionless stare. She looked at him directly, eyes huge, watery. Hijikata closed his eyes and sighed heavily, gently rubbing his temples. 

“Fine.” He replied without opening his eyes. 

Chizuru’s features exploded into rapture, almost forgetting her usual formality around the Commander, bobbing her head in excited bows,

“Oh thank you Hijikata-san, Thank you...” She squeaked. 

Hijikata, now tired of this exchange stood up from the table, moving firmly out of her reach.

“Yes, well, don’t go getting any ideas”, he growled “I expect all of you back by curfew, and Shin to be sober, y’hear me?” 

Chizuru nodded as if her head were attached with elastic. It wasn’t clear if she’d actually heard Hijikata, but he no longer cared. She bowed again and practically danced out of the room, just about remembering to slide the door closed behind her. 

Hijikata sighed heavily again. No doubt she would be safe with the other captains, they were fond of her, Toudou especially, and he admitted it was nice for the captains to have a small amount of female company in the ranks - well, other than the usual kind they found in Shimabara that is. Company would be nice, he thought fleetingly. Even though Hijikata seldom had time to himself without someone knocking on his door, this life was desperately solitary. Still he felt that perhaps the captains and Chizuru being out was fortuitous. Hijikata had his own reasons for letting them out of the compound for the evening. 

He looked towards the lacquered screen in the corner of the room. 

From behind the screen Yamazaki appeared, moving noiselessly across the room. Years of being part of the Shinsengumi’s black ops division, The Watch meant that Yamazaki honed the skills to move silently and unnoticed. He was perhaps one of the most skilled kansatsu in the regiment. 

Yamazaki was actually the perfect spy. Gentle unassuming features, soft dark eyes. He was neither handsome, nor unattractive, in fact nothing about him stood out so as to draw attention to him. He was the perfect blank slate. Although only 22, he could pass for a little older. Five foot seven and slightly built, though not muscular and powerful like the other captains, Yamazaki was wiry and toned. Unassuming on the outside, the inside was where Yamazaki was really quite special. He had one of the sharpest minds Hijikata had ever known, fluent in literary and military arts. Yes, Yamazaki was the perfect spy, and Hijikata depended on him more and more. 

Hijikata sat back down in front of the documents he and Yamazaki had been studying before they were interrupted. Although Hijikata trusted Chizuru, she didn’t need to know everything that was going on. Yamazaki had slipped behind the screen as she’d entered the room and Chizuru had been entirely unaware that he was there at all. Hijikata had been happy for her and the other captains to depart for the evening so he and Yamazaki could focus on their intelligence reports, carefully plotting the next move without the likelihood of further interruption. 

Yamazaki came over to join him, kneeling close by as he moved the map closer to Hijikata. Hijikata felt the change in temperature as Yamazaki leaned in to speak, his warmth beside him on what was an otherwise cool evening, made their discussion feel conspirital, intimate, and if he was honest this helped put him at ease for the difficult decision he had to make. Things had been going poorly for some months now. Each decision had ended in losses and injury. Sanan’s arm would never heal and his mind had fared even worse. The decisions he made weighed heavily. Having Susumu beside him to bounce ideas off filled the void that he’d begun to feel more and more. 

Yamazaki picked up where they had left off, oblivious to how close he was, enraptured in explaining carefully the intelligence he had gathered while being undercover in Kyoto. It seemed clear that another enemy attack would be imminent, there were meetings going on at a number of the inns in town. Locations changed, decoy meetings were staged, but the attack was coming. Hijikata listened intently as Yamazaki spoke, soaking in every morsel of information, slowly weighing up the options in his mind. The Shinsengumi was short of manpower, sickness and injury plagued the regiments, Sanan’s condition leaving a gaping hole on the senior command. It was clear there would not be enough to cover all of the possible targets. 

Yamazaki paused, aware that he had been speaking almost constantly since Chizuru had interrupted them. He looked at the Commander sat beside him. Hijikata was impressive he thought, not for the first time. Intelligent, powerful, talented. He had been so hopeful to have found the right intelligence that would give the Commander the key to success, desperate to have found what the shinsengumi needed to defeat impending attack. For months, it seemed he and Hijikata had frequently sat like this, going over the maps, the intelligence and strategy. Each night Susumu had hoped that the answer was going to present itself, time felt like it was running out. Still, whatever they came up with, he had faith in the Commander. The effort of speaking suddenly washed over him. He was so tired. Focusing, he straightened slightly, shifting on his heels, turning to the Commander.

“So what are we going to do Commander?” Yamazaki asked. “Do you think that we have enough to go on to decide where the target will be?” 

His eyes glistened as he stared deeply into Hijikata’s indigo eyes, waiting intently for the Commander’s judgement. Hopeful. Hijikata didn’t answer immediately, all this information and he still had no answers. Habitually, he rubbed his temples as if this might conjure up a solution. Whatever way he’d looked at it, the number of available men he had would make the choice a gamble. His mind swirling with possible options, each one with potentially horrific consequences, the room began to spin.

“Commander?” Yamazaki moved closer to him, his face suddenly concerned, “do you feel unwell?”

Without warning Yamazaki placed a cool hand on Hijikata’s forehead, as if feeling for a temperature. Startled by his touch, Hijikata’s eyes flicked open, he didn’t pull away - Yamazaki’s cool dry fingertips felt oddly pleasant, bringing him back to reality. For a second he stared at Yamazaki, open mouthed, frozen in the moment. No one ever dared touch him, however, as the regiment’s medical officer, Yamazaki was tactile, and disarming. Although the touch was unexpected, it seemed ok being Susumu’s. Yamazaki stared back at him, his eyes searching Hijikata’s face for confirmation that he was well, the touch was both clinical, and yet oddly comforting. After a few seconds, Hijikata smiled a rare smile, and gently lifted Yamazaki’s hand from his forehead.

“You know Susumu, you really are taking those instructions from Dr. Matsumoto too seriously, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me” 

There was a slight mocking to Hijikata’s tone but the smile attached to it was warm and genuine. Yamazaki’s cheeks flushed, feeling slightly foolish he rested back on his heels. Still, the two of them had grown close the last few months and this kind of teasing from the Commander was rare, Yamazaki’s blushes hid a twisted pride of being poked fun at by his senpai. Looking up to meet the older man’s gaze, he beamed, “Well, you are the one who told me the Shinesengumi needed its own physician - perhaps all you needed is some Ishida powder?!” 

Yamazaki’s eyes twinkled in jest in mentioning Hijikata’s family business of selling a medicinal powder. Hijikata raised an eyebrow, and then broke out into laughter. There was no tension, theirs had become an easy relationship. Hijikata didn’t have a rapport like this with any of the other captains, not even with Kondou who he’d known since he was a teenager. Perhaps it was because Yamazaki spent his life in the shadows, observing and reporting directly to Hijikata it was the only time he was truly open. There was something about Yamazaki that Hijikata resonated with, perhaps it was the way he also felt about having to put on a mask: the demon commander in front of the men. Yamazaki as a spy was constantly putting on a façade too. Their relationship was one of whispered conversations and secret intelligence, plotting and scheming. When he thought about it, Yamazaki was probably the only person with whom Hijikata could sometimes just be Toshi.

It was suddenly sobering, painfully so. Thinking about the men in this way made his decisions so much more difficult. The wrong decision could be fatal. He desperately wanted to forget this decision until the morning, the circumstances wouldn't change; but perhaps things might be clearer?

“Right, enough of this” Hijikata smiled, “perhaps a drop of sake before we turn in for the evening?”

Hijikata rose to his feet and collected a sake flask and two small cups from a shelf above the desk. He set down the cups and filled them. Yamazaki raised his cup to his lips and took a sip as Hijikata downed his cup in one mouthful. Yamazaki looked at him surprised. The commander didn’t often drink and was known for not being good at holding his liquor. This was uncharacteristic and he sensed that Hijikata must be feeling the pressure of deciding the next move, perhaps he was best left to it?

“Thank you, Commander, I should go and we can continue tomorrow?” Yamazaki began to get to his feet. With cat-like reflexes, Hijikata reached out and grabbed his shoulder, the weight of his huge hand imposing, dominant. “If I’m honest, I could do with unwinding a little. Stay a while longer?” Hijikata smiled, it was a question, but his tone left no room for argument. The power Hijikata communicated with just a look never ceased to have an effect on Yamazaki. In all the time he had known the Commander, there is nothing he wouldn’t have done without question. Now however, something seemed to be off. The pressure of the decisions before him seemed to be cracking his usual impenetrable wall. It worried him. The Commander was too important to the Shinsengumi. At least if he stayed, he could check Hijikata got some sleep, Yamazaki thought.

He knelt down back beside Hijikata who refilled both cups from the flask. “Anyway,I have to stay up to make sure those idiots don’t break curfew and Chizuru gets back safely.” Hijikata muttered, more to himself than to Yamazaki. It was an excuse, he knew. Yamazaki nodded and sipped from his cup. Hijikata continued speaking about the captains and their endless shenanigans, he was animated, wired and twitchy. Yamazaki could sense how deeply the Commander cared for the captains, despite being irritated by them, he carried the burden of a leader. The conversation flowed to discussion on changes in the political landscape for Japan, the influence from the west and the growing pressure from the war. Yamazaki listened intently. Drunk or not, Hijikata was a fascinating speaker, full of intelligent insight and historical knowledge. Talking with him like this sometimes reminded Susumu of his childhood when his uncle would teach him about military history. This similarity was something that had always drawn Susumu to the commander. Hijikata was older, wiser, Susumu admired him greatly, and felt inadequate by comparison. Settling into easy conversation, the hours slipped by without notice.

Before long Hijikata began to slur, his eyes heavy and he began to sway on his heels. The evening was drawing to a close. Probably best if the other Captains weren’t aware the Commander was drunk, Yamazaki thought, already imagining what mischief Okita could cause if he sensed an opening. Best just to get him to bed as quickly as possible to sleep it off. He looked across at the Commander. Hijikata had his chin rested in his left palm, the right clutched the small, empty sake cup. Yamazaki reached towards him carefully removing the cup from his fingertips. There was no resistance, the Commander was barely awake. Gently Yamazaki manoeuvred his arm around Hijikata’s shoulder nudging him to his feet. Positioned under his left shoulder, Hijikata hung off Yamazaki almost engulfing him. The Commander was an unusually tall man, much taller than Yamazaki, his body muscular from two decades of swordsmanship, Yamazaki steadied himself placing his arm around the Commander’s waist and pulling him close to centre the weight. He could smell the alcohol on him, mixed with a warm smell of the incense that had burned out hours ago. Hijikata sagged further into Yamazaki, as if he was deflating. Mustering all his strength, Yamazaki slowly manoeuvred Hijikata towards the futon which was harder than he expected. Yamazaki was strong, but the Commander was dead weight in this state. Carefully, Yamazaki lowered him, rolling him on his side in case he vomited. Panting and sweating from exertion he placed a blanket over the Commander to keep out the chill. Yamazaki looked at the commander’s sleeping inebriated face. It was clammy from the alcohol, flushed and pink, his lips wet. Instinctively he reached out to brush a strand of Hijikata’s long hair that had become stuck to the sweat on his cheek. As he did so, Hijikata mumbled something inaudible. Straining to hear, Yamazaki drew closer bringing his ear beside Hijikata’s mouth to listen. 

“Whatever I choose to do, my men are going to die” Hijikata murmured.

As he looked at his Commander, passed out, wretched in fitful sleep from the pressure of the weight of his decisions, something in Yamazaki’s heart ached. Extinguishing the lantern, he sat beside his Commander in the darkness, watching him and wondering what they would do.


	2. Duty Is Different - Hearts and Minds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata realises his strength to make decisions will not come from the bottom of a sake flask. Romance is budding elsewhere on the compound.

2\. 

Hijikata opened one eye gingerly and immediately slammed it back shut. Mistake, he thought, that was a mistake. Everything was blurry and his head was pounding. His lips and chin were wet with saliva, but his mouth was bone dry. 'Come on Toshi, fucking pull yourself together', he thought. Rolling onto his back, he put a hand up to his face and rubbed each eyelid. Let's try that again. Cautiously he opened both eyes, the familiar ceiling of his room shifting into focus. This is why we don't drink, you idiot, he chided. His tongue felt rough and sticky against the dry roof of his mouth. I need something to take this taste away, he thought. As his body started to catch up to his brain, Hijikata suddenly sensed he wasn't alone in the room. Instinctively he bolted upright, anxiously feeling around for the hilt of his Katana.

"Commander, it's just me."

Hijikata looked towards the familiar voice. Yamazaki was kneeling at the table, almost exactly where Hijikata last remembered seeing him the previous evening. He wondered whether he had been there all night? Surely not? He looked at the papers still piled on the table and the empty sake flask beside them. His heartbeat still racing from the unexpected presence of Yamazaki, fragments of the evening began to slot into place - the predicament that the regiment found itself in, the intelligence reports, the crossroads that he was facing all slammed back into his consciousness hard and cold. That was what started this drinking. Pathetic. The end of the night though was somewhat patchy. He didn't even remember getting on to the futon. Had he crawled there? Suddenly Hijikata felt quite foolish imagining Yamazaki watching him crawl like an infant to bed. Drunk in front of the men, for fucksake! How humiliating! No, he reassured himself, Yamazaki would have left soon after they’d finished the reports. He’s clearly just returned this morning to check in on the helpless patient. He rubbed his face with his sleeve to cover his discomfort. Time to get back to business he thought, mentally he put on the familiar cold mask of the Demon. Within seconds he had regained his composure and cleared his throat. He turned to address Yamazaki who had been silently watching him with some concern. 

"Yamasaki-san, do you know whether Chizuru and the Captains returned before curfew last night?" 

Yamazaki nodded. " Yes Commander, Yukimura and the Captains were all accounted for by curfew." He paused, his eyes zig-zagging across Hijikata's face. "Are you feeling better Commander? He paused as if considering his words carefully, his eyes flicked to the sake flask on the table. It was a minute gesture, but even in his hungover state, Hijikata noticed it. “You were...unwell last night.” He added. Hijikata had no response to this, his cheeks flushed betraying his thoughts. Yamazaki, taking the cue treated the question rhetorically and rose from the table as he continued to speak. “I’m glad sleep has found you well this morning Commander. Would you like me to ask Chizuru to bring some tea to your room?" 

Hijikata nodded wordlessly breaking eye contact with Yamazaki. Inwardly he felt relived that Yamazaki had decided not to mention the events of the previous evening, even though it was abundantly clear that he remembered everything. Although the clarity of the evening was incomplete in his mind, he knew that getting drunk in front of the men wasn't befitting of his position - even if it was Yamazaki, who would be discreet. Regardless of the decisions he had to make, and whatever the consequences that might result from them, he was going to have to do them sober and razor sharp from now on. 

Rising from the futon, he picked up his katana and wakizashi fixing them at his hip. His head was pounding. Today was now going to be a struggle until the hangover wore off, he felt like he'd been turned inside out. This was his own stupid fault but this could not happen again. He cleared his throat, eyes flicking towards Yamazaki who stood beside the table awaiting instruction.

"Thank you Susumu for your concern for my...welfare, and for the report last night. I have some further things to consider this morning, let's speak again this later this afternoon so I can run some of the tactical plans with you." 

The Commander’s manner confirmed to Yamazaki things were returning to business as usual. The warm conversational Commander of last night had been replaced with the stoic and detached but more familiar version Commander that he knew and respected. Inwardly he felt a sense of relief. 

"Of course Commander." Yamazaki bowed and disappeared through the door. 

Hijikata stared at the door for a few moments, listening for Yamazaki's footsteps to disappear. Of course he heard nothing, it was Yamazaki after all. Hijikata looked back at the intelligence papers arranged menacingly on the desk. 

He still had no idea what to do.

***

While watching over the Commander as he slept, Yamazaki had decided to play down Hijikata's drinking. The Commander wasn’t likely to be fooled by any means, but there was little to be had in embarrassing him. Overall maintaining the Commander’s trust was the only thing that was of any importance to Susumu. He’d seen all of the same intelligence reports as Hijikata. Things were bad, the Commander was under a lot of pressure, he deserved - no needed; to let off steam occasionally. Without some kind of release, Yamazaki was quite sure the strain of the war would pull Hijikata under entirely. Yes, drinking was out of character for Hijikata, yes, it worried Yamazaki, but over the last five hours he had convinced himself that he could be confident that this was probably an isolated incident. It hadn’t been an easy road to reach this conclusion, but as he'd watched Hijikata sleep, fitfully tossing and turning; his sleeping face contorted fighting his own subconscious, Yamazaki had played his whispered words over and over on a loop:

"Whatever I choose to do, my men are going to die..."

Assessing Hijikata's dazed expression this morning, Yamazaki was fairly certain that Hijikata had not yet remembered these words as he'd drifted into the unconsciousness of sleep. Whether he remembered them or not, they were the product of his deepest thoughts and fears. Yamazaki knew that these decisions haunted Hijikata. He lived by the Code as a warrior, but underneath it all, under the cold gaze, the barked orders and stoic duty was a man who silently grieved for every one of his men cut down in battle. Last night, Hijikata had spoken his truth to Yamazaki, and last night, Yamazaki had decided he was going to do everything in his power to protect the Commander from himself.

The best way to do this, Yamazaki reasoned, would be to get further information on the target for the enemy meeting. Yamazaki still had a few hours before the Commander would call him again this afternoon, there was definitely time for some further reconnoissance. Before he went though, best to arrange some tea to be brought to the Commander. It didn’t seem exactly fair to send Chizuru into Hijikata’s path without some kind of warning, not with the mood he would be in.

Walking into the doorway of the common room Susumu noticed Chizuru with her back to him, holding a tray of bowels from breakfast. Heisuke was with her, chatting away, enthusiastically helping her collect the discarded bowls and chopsticks. The way he was fussing over the chores, anyone would have thought Heisuke was a page himself, rather than one of the fearless captains of the Shinsengumi - An entire division of warriors under his command and here he was collecting used chopsticks! Caught up in their activity they were oblivious to Yamazaki's presence, although most people were, and if he was honest, he preferred it that way. 

Chizuru turned to carry the laden tray out, however the improperly balanced tray and the uneven floor clearly caught her off guard, tripping over the tatami mat, the tray tumbling from her hands. As if in slow motion, Yamazaki watched in disbelief as Heisuke's samurai reflexes caught her by the waist with one arm, steadying the tray with the other. Yamazaki held his breath as he watched, he never ceased to be surprised from the skills of his comrades. As Heisuke held Chizuru in his arms, despite the frankly ridiculous circumstances, Susumu was sure he noticed something tender pass between them, Heisuke holding her motionless for a few more seconds than necessary. Standing her back on her feet, Heisuke whispered something to her that Yamazaki couldn't hear. Chizuru blushed and looked back at Heisuke under her eyelashes. Despite being dressed as a man, suddenly she had never looked so feminine, Yamazaki thought. He had suspected Heisuke's growing feelings for Chizuru for some time. Even since the first day she'd arrived Heisuke had seemed to have formed a bond with her, creating endless opportunities to be around her. The Commander had ordered she be accompanied at all times outside of the compound, and more often that not it was Heisuke that she joined on the patrols of Kyoto. No doubt their evening out with the other captains last night had something to do with their behaviour this morning. Yamazaki imagined that the Commander wouldn't be happy with their romance, however he had no intention of passing on this particular ‘intelligence’ for now.

Announcing his presence, Yamazaki cleared his throat as he entered the room deliberately loudly. Heisuke looked towards the direction of the sound and gave him a beaming smile. 

"Ahhh Yamazaki san! I think you might have missed the breakfast! Shin ate everything there was as usual! Chizuru, the Commander’s most efficient page, might be able to find you something though" 

He looked back at Chizuru and winked mischievously. Chizuru flushed pink and looked awkwardly at Yamazaki. Heisuke chuckled to himself, emboldened by the effect he was having on her. While he didn’t have Sano’s charm or Shin’s good looks, Heisuke’s innocent enthusiasm was actually quite endearing. There was definitely something between those two, the electricity Yamasaki had seen as Heisuke had held her moments ago was still crackling between them even in this jokey context. Heisuke crossed the common room towards Susumu giving him a manly slap on the shoulder as he passed, reaching the door, he turned to look back in Chizuru’s direction, Yamazaki noticed the warm look he gave her as he did so:

"Later Chizuru-chan!” He beamed.

The deliberate use of “chan” after her name left little doubt that love was in the air Yamazaki thought, and moreover it was clear that Heisuke wanted him to know it. With that, Heisuke and his boundless energy left the common room in search of the other captains for patrol, leaving a pink-faced Chizuru watching his back as he disappeared down the corridor. Smiling awkwardly she turned to Yamazaki. 

"Was there something you needed Yamazaki-san?" She asked. With all of the sudden information he’d gathered in the last few moments about her relationship with Heisuke running through his mind, Yamazaki had almost forgotten what he’d come for. Recovering quickly, He fixed her with a gentle smile.

"Yes please Yukimura, the Commander would like some tea in his room when you have a moment." Yamazaki asked. He considered warning her that the Commander might have been in a poor mood, but thought better of it. Chizuru might let slip that he’d said as much, she was trustworthy of course, but clumsy with it. Yamazaki wanted to keep the confidence of the Commander. No, poor Chizuru would just have to take the verbal beasting if she unwittingly irritated Hijikata today. 

Chizuru nodded. “No problem Yamazaki-san, I’ll prepare some freshly right now. Gently bowing her head, she walked off in the direction of the kitchen - albeit much more carefully this time with the tray.

With the instructions for the morning sorted, Yamazaki returned to his room. He was fortunate to have his own space, the other captains of course each had a room, and this was fitting of their positions as part of the shinsengumi leadership. Yamazaki however was not a captain, nor did he have the command of any men. Despite this the Hijikata had convinced Kondou that Susumu’s intelligence role as well as the role of the regiments physician, should afford him a modest private space in the compound. As usual, Kondou agreed with whatever Hijikata had asked. Yet again Yamazaki thought, Hijikata was the reason he had anything in this world. 

Susumu looked at his futon, pristine from having not been slept on. He briefly thought back to Hijkata’s restless sleep the night before. No more time to waste, he needed to find something that would provide enough evidence to help the Commander make the necessary tactical decision. Quickly Yamazaki changed out of his kimono into something less conspicuous, darker, easier to blend into the crowds of Kyoto. 

Time to get Hijikata the evidence he needed.


	3. Duty is Different - a new foe?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After watching Hijikata wrestle with the weight of his decisions, Yamazaki is desperate to find any information to help him. On recon in Kyoto, he finds out more than he bargained for when the meeting he is investigating is interrupted.

3

Kyoto was bustling with activity, so much so that it hummed like an insect hive. It was inching towards the middle of the day, merchants were selling and the inns were opening for lunchtime trade. The warm spring sunshine and the gently rising temperatures made for good trading conditions. Within the bustle of maids collecting groceries for the household and the numerous deliveries going on, Yamazaki moved unnoticed through the crowds. Dressed in dark kimono and hakama, he could easily pass for a delivery man or a trader. His thin samurai ponytail was hidden below a dark bandana which covered much of his otherwise short hair. He was able to slip in and out of the shadows and doorways as he made his way through the marketplace. 

Despite the increased presence of the regular Shinsengumi patrols, Kyoto was still pretty lawless. High crime such as murder had subsided significantly since the Shinsengumi had arrived, however the low end of the crime rate - theft, beatings and drunken brawling, continued relatively unchallenged. The sad fact of it was that the Shinsengumi simply didn’t have the manpower to deal with all of the crime in the city, as well as fulfilling their role to the Shogunate. To his right, Yamazaki noticed several ronin seemingly leaning on a shopkeeper for protection money. This kind of leveraging money with menaces remained rife. Still cutting off this low level crime would go some way to cutting off the funding streams of the enemy. He made a mental note to pass this information back to Saito for the afternoon patrol when he went back to the compound. These particular ronin were no concern to him for now, he was looking for something higher up the food chain.

In many ways, it was good that the ronin seemed to be indiscreet, Yamazaki reasoned. It made intelligence gathering much simpler. Loose lips of incompetent enemies would hopefully give him the edge he needed to identify the target and bring something useful to the Commander. Still there was unlikely to be the kind of conversations he was after overhearing outside in the open like this.

Stepping into a nearby inn, Susumu blended in with the other patrons, he ordered some tea and identified a seat in the corner. Nearby sat some suspects he recognised as Chōshū. From this vacant seat, he was close enough that he could listen in to their conversation with ease. The men were discussing recent movements of soldiers and weapons, all of which Yamazaki had been aware of from previous reconnaissance. Keep going, Yamazaki thought as he soaked in all of the information. Keeping up the pretence of being a patron, he quietly took a sip of his rapidly cooling tea, and scribbled nonsense into a small book with a brush. As far as anyone was concerned, he was probably ticking things off for a delivery list while he’d stopped for a break. He’d practised this routine many times, perfecting the ability to write nothing while listening to everything. Pretending to be occupied made you appear much less conspicuous. Generic words like onions, rice, Tuesday, tripped off of the end of the brush and to the outside world Yamazaki was deep in concentration. Well that much was true, but it had nothing to do with his writing. 

So far the Chōshū men had mentioned two inns in their conversation, one at Ikeda and one at Shikoku. This was perfect, if he could narrow this down to one, then the Shinsengumi could target their limited resources. The samurai lowered their voices slightly. In another well practiced movement, Yamazaki let the brush fall from his fingertips to the floor. No one noticed as he retrieved it, sitting inches closer to the table to extend his listening reach. Just when it looked like he might have been getting somewhere, the men suddenly looked up for the table. Leaning backwards into the wall, Yamazaki turned his face towards his notebook, all the time watching underneath his eyelashes. The men were looking towards two samurai stood in the doorway. Neither of the men were familiar to Yamazaki as he turned his attention to the newcomers. He knew most of the main players and yet neither of these had ever crossed his path. One of the samurai was tall like the Commander, though more heavily built. He had a neatly cropped beard along his strong jawline, his long auburn hair pulled into a tight ponytail and cropped short at the sides. He was clearly a samurai of some rank, though possibly not nobility. He wore a black overcoat with a snake insignia on it over dark hakama. The snake insignia was also unfamiliar to Yamazaki in belonging to any of the factions that he was aware of. By contrast, the tall samurai’s companion had a distinct air of nobility around him, although again, clearly not one of any known affiliation in Kyoto. Although the smaller of the two, it was clear he was in charge. His unusual blond hair glistened in the shaft of light created by the inn’s curtain as he stood in the doorway. Even from this distance, Yamazaki noticed that this samurai had the most peculiar eyes, they appeared almost crimson. Yamazaki hadn’t seen anything quite like them before, perhaps this was a trick of the light. That said, it was unusual to see samurai with such light hair either. Perhaps he was afflicted with some kind of albinism? As the samurai crossed the room in front of him toward the table, Yamazaki carefully he turned his head towards the book, making himself smaller, more invisible. The mood at the inn shifted, the two newcomers bringing a dangerous intensity to the place. The innkeeper and the waitress disappeared towards the back room fearing the worst.

Reaching the table, the blond samurai eyed the men before him with disgust. His tall companion stood behind him, arms folded. 

“Which one of you Chōshū insects is in charge?” The blond samurai demanded, dismissively waving a fingertip across the table. The men seated looked at one another awkwardly, tensing up, but stopping short of hands creeping towards the hilts of their katana. Yamazaki watched intently. Indeed all of the inn seemed to be holding its breath. Some of the patrons nearer the door had started to filter out. It wasn’t clear where this was going, but everything about this particular samurai indicated danger, Yamazaki knew it and so did the men at the table. After what seemed like an eternity, one of the men rose to his feet.

“Under the circumstances, that would be me” he answered, with some confidence although Yamazaki detected fear and suspicion lingering in his voice. The blond samurai eyed him with distain, a cruel smile played on his lips. In one swift movement he had the man by the throat lifting him a few inches from the floor. Yamazaki had never seen such strength from a man of that size before, there was something almost superhuman about it. None of the other men at the table moved, rooted to their seats in fear. The bearded samurai did nothing, his blue eyes watching things unfold before him as if it was something he’d seen a million times before. Yamazaki could tell by the tall Samurai’s manner though that if any of the men had reached for a blade this would swiftly turn into a bloodbath. Silence hung in the inn, punctuated only by the man gasping for breath. The innkeeper and the waitress peered through the beaded curtain of the kitchens. The waitress had her hand clamped over her mouth stifling a scream. 

“Wrong answer” the samurai growled, appearing to squeeze the unfortunate man’s throat more tightly so that he made a gurgling sound. “I’m the one who’s in-fucking-charge, ok?”

The man was turning blue, it wasn’t clear if he was even capable of understanding the blond samurai from oxygen deprivation. With an almost casual flick of his wrist, the samurai released the now unconscious man from his grip. He turned to the remaining group who were sat motionless their eyes flicking awkwardly between their comatose comrade and his torturer. The blond samurai drew closer to the table, menacingly lowering his voice to a terrifyingly gentle whisper. Yamazaki strained to hear without moving - to make any kind of move would draw attention to him.

“Tell those worthless Chōshū dogs of yours that I’ll be seeing them at the Ikeda, and they’d better bring me something I like.” He spat the words at the men, who nodded slightly to indicate they understood.

The samurai turned on his heel, the pale silken hem of his kimono flailing, and walked out of the inn. The taller samurai followed him without turning back to look at the table.

Ikeda! The meeting would be at Ikeda! He thought excitedly. Despite the unexpected circumstances from this information, Yamazaki had confirmation of what he’d needed. Already imagining the praise from the Commander when presented with this information he felt warmer inside. Still, the presence of these two samurai at the inn might cause some problems. It would be wise to try and find out some more about them, and who they were affiliated with first. 

The commotion from the exit of the samurai, provided the perfect cover to leave unnoticed as the men he’d been watching were now preoccupied tending to their lifeless comrade. Yamazaki silently got up from the table and followed the samurai out onto the street. Whoever this samurai was, he was allied with the Shinsengumi’s enemy, and what’s more, he didn’t care who knew. Catching a glimpse of the two samurai and keeping to the shadows, Yamazaki trailed them at a safe distance through the backstreets of Kyoto. Moving at a quickened pace He’d caught up to them a few streets away. Slipping into a nearby doorway just within earshot he flattened himself into the wall to listen. 

Despite the evident difference in heirachy, the taller samurai appeared to be lecturing the blond samurai. Yamazaki strained to listen to their conversation.

“Lord Kazama, was such a display really necessary? These pathetic creatures are not worth such effort. This is just a means to an end afterall” his voice was calm, rational, and respectful - the polar opposite of his companion. The blond samurai fixed him initially with a disinterested stare and as he spoke, a crocodile smile played across his lips.

“Amagiri, if we must work with these insects, then you can’t expect me to tolerate them all of the time.” He stroked his chin idly with his thumb, almost as if to exaggerate his disinterest. The samurai referred to as Amagiri looked at his Lord despairingly. Kazama continued, still with the unnerving smile. “Still it’s not as if that was really any effort at all.” He brushed a few glistening stray hairs from his face. Yamazaki thought he appeared cocky, vain and self-entitled, he’d been right in his assessment that the blond samurai, Kazama, was an aristocrat of some description, particularly as Amigiri had referred to him as ‘Lord’. Clearly it was in his nature to be cruel to those he considered unworthy, Yamazaki thought. Particularly referring to people as insects, dehumanising them to the lowest form of life.

“In any event Amagiri,” Kazama continued, “I haven’t forgotten our real purpose, I’m not interested in their pathetic human squabbles or whether they kill each other.” All I’m interested in is finding Kodo and his damn furies, and eradicating those fakes.” 

Yamazaki’s eyes widened at the mention of the furies. The experiments with the water of life were only known to a few of the leadership within the shinsengumi and Chizuru. the fact that this Kazama was aware of their existence was deeply troubling. How was he aware of Kodo’s elixir? was Kodo even alive? Despite following every thread he’d found, Yamazaki still hadn’t had any clear leads on Kodo’s whereabouts for months. It would make sense if he was laying low if this samurai as well as the shinsengumi were after him. And what did he mean about eradicating the furies? This was becoming much more complicated than simply locating the Chōshū meeting place. 

“So long as it suits our means to join with the Chōshū, I suppose it matters not” Amagiri sighed, evidently knowing well enough his protest was pointless. Kazama continued to smile unsettlingly and even from the distance, Yamazaki could see his crimson eyes glistening with malice. They turned their backs to Yamazaki and walked off toward the city gates. 

Slipping from his hiding place into the daylight, Yamazaki was torn. On the one hand he already had the vital operational information the Commander needed regarding the meeting place for the Chōshū, and every fibre of him told him he needed to get this information to Hijikata immediately so preparations could be made. Still the mere mention of the furies made him question his instinct. He looked into the distance after Amagiri and Kazama. Should he pursue them a little longer? The presence of these mysterious samurai who were somehow linked to Kodo, made the whole thing infinitely more dangerous. He’d seen this Kazama in action without a weapon, something told him that these two might be more dangerous than anyone they’d come up against before.

No, this was not his decision to make.

Disappearing back into the shadows, he headed back to the compound, straight to Hijikata.


	4. Duty is Different - Watching from the Sidelines.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite bringing the Commander the tools for victory, Yamazaki struggles to accept his role in the Shinsengumi as the raid on the Ikeda Inn takes place.

4.

It had been a shitty morning and was shaping up to be a shittier afternoon. Hijikata had remained in a foul mood most of the day. Being hungover had not helped. In fact as anticipated in the first few moments of consciousness this morning, it had made every decision more taxing, more irritating. Fortunately for him, only Yamazaki had been aware of the real reason for his mood and Hijikata could trust him implicitly. If Okita had realised that Hijikata had a hangover he would probably have made a point of stopping by to irritate him further. Souji was the equivalent of having spoiled little brother. Hijikata was the youngest in his blood family, so had not experienced being an older sibling until his teen years when he’d apprenticed under Kondou at Shiei Hall. Souji was just nine years old when he’d started training with them. Since day one, he knew exactly how to rile Hijikata which had continued way into adulthood, constantly getting away with his smart mouth because of their shared history. He irritated him like a little brother, and Hijikata tolerated it, because he loved him - because he was kin. Kondou had more than raised them in their formative years, and they’d followed him under the Shinsengumi banner. For more than a decade and a half, they’d been family. 

Still, Okita had not been himself lately. Well, that wasn’t quite true, his attitude and his smart mouth had been the same of course, but lately he seemed to be out of breath and coughing a lot. Hijikata had initially put it down to the change in the seasons, but this had gone on for some time now. Although he’d never let on, he was getting worried. Perhaps he’d ask Susumu to look in on Okita with some medicine later when he came for the debrief, just to put his mind at ease.

In fact, where was Yamazaki? He’d not been in the compound today. Hijikata knew he’d been vile to the men and particularly to Chizuru when she’d brought his tea in the morning. Word had likely spread to stay clear of ‘the Demon’. The day had been fairly solitary as a result. Actually now he came to think of it, even Kondou and Gen had avoided stopping by for too long today. Still it wasn’t like Yamazaki to disappear for hours without his explicit instruction. Lately Susumu had been one of the only people that Hijikata had spent any time with. He was reluctant to admit that he’d been grateful for the companionship Yamazaki had provided, filling the gap in his life as others who used to be close to him were drifting beyond his grasp. 

Sanan had shut him and everyone else out almost entirely ever since his injury. Preferring to work alone in his room, studying Kodo’s treatments with the water of life. This had hurt Hijikata more than he’d expected. If Okita was his irritating, younger brother, then Sanan was the older, wiser brother. As a young man he’d admired Keisuke’s level head, steady hand and his ability to see the big picture with absolute clarity. Comparatively Hijikata was impulsive, dramatic, demanding. He’d spent many years working hard to emulate Keisuke’s best qualities. Together they’d led the Shinsengumi operations under Kondou. He missed him, if he was honest, it felt so lonely at the top without him. He wondered whether things would ever be the same, whether Keisuke would return to them. He knew that Sanan the warrior was gone, but he hated to think that Sanan, his brother, had gone with him. Shaking off these melancholic thoughts, he looked at the strategic maps for the thousandth time today and sighed. The decision on where to mobilise the men would have been much easier with the advice of the old Sanan, Hijikata thought sadly to himself.

A gentle knock at the door brought Hijikata back from his thoughts. “Come” he called out. The door slid open and Yamazaki entered bowing to the Commander as he did so. Hijikata was surprised by the sudden warm feeling he got from seeing Susumu. He’d felt kind of shitty about the way he’d dismissed his kindness this morning. There wasn’t an obvious way that he could make it up to him, but he figured that he would try to convey some kind of apologetic behaviour all the same. Approaching the Commander, Yamazaki’s soft features looked back at him, different from this morning. He was animated, wired. He had the look Hijikata recognised - he had some intelligence for him! But there was something else, something off. He detected a hint of concern on the younger man’s face. 

All the way back to the compound, Yamazaki had agonised whether he’d done the right thing by not trailing Kazama and Amigiri. Perhaps he should have tried to find out where they were hiding out so the Commander could have considered a tactical assault on their base. That said, they seemed powerful, it was unlikely they weren’t backed by their own soldiers. He was worried though. What if they attacked the compound looking for Kodo - or worse, the furies. These matters were too sensitive for his basic decision making. He’d decided that he would tell Hijikata everything he’d found out and follow his orders. But now he was stood in front of him, his confidence in even this decision had stated to waiver. 

“Commander, I have identified the location of the Chōshū meeting. It’s going to be at Ikeda.” 

Hijikata’s eyes lit up, a triumphant smile creeping to his lips. “Susumu you’ve done it!” He exclaimed, “this will make things much simpler. We should be able to get additional men for the Aizu commissioner to strengthen our attack now we have a definitive location”. Quickly he shuffled the maps on the desk around tracing his finger along the drawing until it rested on the location. Yamazaki stood still for a moment, his cheeks feeling warm from the praise. He was so obvious in his need for validation it was sickening. His heart thumped in his chest like a caged bird, fearing the praise would be short lived. Yes he’d lifted a weight from the Commander, but what he was to say next would drop it straight back on him.

“Commander, there’s more” he hesitated, Hijikata looked up for the map to meet his eyeline. The concern he’d detected when Yamazaki came in was now etched across his face. “Two samurai identifying themselves as Kazama and Amigiri interrupted the Chōshū meeting, the are somehow allied with them, no scratch that, they seemed to be in charge....” 

Hijikata listened intently, carefully processing the information. He was familiar with his enemy, the generals, the decision makers, yet these two, Kazama and Amagiri were new, and if they were running things, then the lack of information about them was certainly a risk. 

“Commander...” Yamazaki continued, he stared directly into Hijikata’s eyes hesitating for a second time, almost unwilling to drop this particular bombshell. “When I followed Kazama and Amigiri, I overheard them discussing the furies...”

Hijikata’s eyes widened, the pounding sensation of the hangover suddenly returning. “That’s impossible, no one but the inner circle here know about the existence of the furies, are you sure?” Hijikata didn’t need or expect and answer, he knew it was the truth, he didn’t know how this Kazama had this information, but he knew that in all the time he had known Susumu, he’d never been inaccurate. “Damnit, how the fuck does he know about the water of life,” he spat, his hands flexing as he spoke, “Has that traitorous dog Kodo been with them all of this time?!” angrily he hurled papers from the table that fluttered to the floor in front of Yamazaki. 

Yamazaki ignored the fluttering papers, he had expected this from the Commander. As much as he has worried about telling him, he knew that Hijikata could thrive under these conditions. He took a breath, whenever Hijikata was like this, it was important to put him in control where he was most comfortable.

“Commander, what are your orders?” 

Hijikata turned to look at Yamazaki, who stared back at him, expectantly. Absolute trust in Hijikata’s judgement seeped from every pore. His brown eyes a mixture of concern and determination. 

From the darkest parts within Hijikata ‘the Demon’ rose to answer him.

“Assemble the men in the common room. We are going to pay this Kazama a little visit.”

************

Susumu was dressed head to toe in combat black, his tenugui covering his mouth so that only his eyes were visible below his head guard. Waiting in the shadows outside of the Ikeda Inn, Hijikata had ordered him to determine guard movements and entry points. So far it would seem that this was going to be a direct raid, half of the men through the front, the rest from the back. The Aizu had sent no reinforcements, but from a closer inspection of the Choshu on guard, Yamazaki assessed the Shinsengumi, would be fairly evenly matched in numbers at least. There was no sign of either Kazama or Amigiri who Yamazaki assumed were yet to arrive.

Silently he slipped back into the shadows to where the rest of the regiment were staging nearby. Searching the crowd, Yamazaki saw Hijikata immediately, surrounded by the men, barking orders. For a moment Susumu looked at him in awe: Dressed in the white Shinsengumi overcoat that was worn on night operations, he glowed, every inch the warrior, powerful, dominating and utterly fearless. No one thrived on adrenaline like Hijikata did. Kondou was the head of the Shinsengumi, but Hijikata was its heart, feeding the men with the life giving blood to operate. The men swarmed him for instruction and he posted them strategically like chess pieces. 

Looking up from the melee, Hijikata caught his eye beckoning him closer. Yamazaki pushed through the throng of men until he was beside the Commander.

“Yamazaki san, what are the defences like?” Hijikata asked, directly. 

“Numbers look fairly evenly matched Commander, but from the outside there are fewer guarding the front than the back, presumably to avoid too much attention.” Yamazaki answered, recalling the rough calculations he’d made on the recon. Hijikata smiled wryly, “well then, I suppose it’s only polite to enter by the front door?! Excellent work Susumu” He added, his smile continuing, his luminous indigo eyes flickered. Spinning on his heel, Hijikata walked off in search of Kondou his white overcoat flapping in his wake.

Below his tenugui Yamazaki beamed with pride. He secretly craved the attention of the captains -especially the Commander, living on the fringe was so isolating that he wondered whether he even existed. He felt particularly worthless during the operations. Kansatsu were forbidden from fighting in the front lines, their role was purely one of communications and intelligence. Factually, Yamazaki was simply too valuable to the Shinsengumi to risk being injured or killed in the fighting. Yamazaki though, struggled to reconcile this within himself, he felt like a coward. His orders were to hang back at the staging area, alongside Chizuru and tend to anyone wounded unless the Commander called for him.

Before he knew it, he and Chizuru were alone in the staging area. Kondou, the Commander and the other captains leading the assault on the inn. Chizuru stood watching into the distance, twisting the cord of her kimono fastening around one finger idly. Heisuke was on the raid leading the 8th unit at the front of the inn. Yamazaki thought back to their encounter days earlier. How Heisuke had held her so tenderly. He watched her back with sadness. Being in love with a samurai will only end badly he thought to himself. The mortality rate was appalling for samurai - even those as skilled as Heisuke. Living covertly among the captains, Chizuru had ended up closer to the action than other women - indeed she was dressed as a man and only the captains knew otherwise. The Commander has decided early on that the presence of a woman in the regiment would be problematic and that she would continue to dress and act as male for her own safety. Everyone else had been told that she was a young page. Her feminine features just about passing for an adolescent man. Outside the confines of the compound mind you, it would be impossible for her to have acted as Heisuke’s lover without drawing attention to her gender. However, despite all of this effort to protect her, the Commander had been right that she would be problematic, and now she and Heisuke were setting themselves up for heartache. 

Joining her, he put a gentle hand on her slender shoulder squeezing it comfortingly.

“Yamazaki-san” she smiled brightly at him, her eyes though remained sad. She leaned into his side. As there was no one but the two of them, he allowed her small warm body to lean into him, putting his arm around her shoulders. She was a tiny thing, and like the captains he felt the urge to protect her. By contrast he was well aware that he was only able to comfort her in this way as compared to the captains his ‘masculinity’ was unthreatening. He doubted she believed that he could protect her, or anyone if the need arose.

“Do you think the raid will be successful?” She asked quietly. 

“The Commander wouldn’t have ordered it if he didn’t think so.” Yamazaki replied confidently. 

He imagined Hijikata at the front of the ensuing battle, katana slashing in the moonlight, blood of the fallen foe staining his white overcoat. He and the other captains would be in the centre of it all right now. He thought of himself sat here with the women. It was slightly emasculating. 

“You shouldn’t worry about Heisuke....and the other captains you know.” He added. “They are skilled warriors. There is little they can’t do and anyway the Commander is with them. You should be more worried about yourself, because I’m the only one here to protect you” He laughed self deprecatingly.

Chizuru’s tiny hand found Yamazaki’s and squeezed it tight. “Yamazaki-san, why do you put yourself down like that?” She asked. “You are as much a warrior as the captains.” She turned towards him taking his other hand in hers. Was it his turn to be comforted? he wondered. Her hands were cold and smooth like fine porcelain, she looked at him with seriousness. “You are integral to the operation, you are the eyes and ears, you’ve fought your way out of danger many times to return with the information they need. Without you Hijikata would be taking them into the fight blind. I heard him praise you before he left, the Commander trusts you. He knows you will protect me otherwise I wouldn’t be here, so please don’t tell me that I should be worried for myself” she let go of his hands and bowed deeply to him the way he’d seen her do to the Commander many times.

Yamazaki was slightly dumbstruck. Chizuru had a tendency to speak her mind despite her otherwise timid appearance. Perhaps he was a little hard on himself. The Commander had praised him, and he could have ordered them to be closer to the action where he could keep an eye on Chizuru but instead he’d left her alone with Yamazaki. 

“The Commander trusts you with my life as he does his own.” Chizuru added turning her eyes back towards the Ikeda. 

Yamazaki looked out towards the inn too. He hoped very much that she was right.


	5. Duty is Different - Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamazaki confides some of his feelings to Chizuru, however she isn’t the only one listening.

5.

Yamazaki stood on the porch looking out across the inner courtyard. Months had passed since the Ikeda raid. The Shinsengumi had been triumphant but at a cost. Kazama and Amigiri had attacked the captains leaving Okita and Heisuke badly injured. Fortunately Yamazaki had been able to tend to their wounds at the staging area and both were now recovering.

Although the regiment’s standing had gone up in the city of Kyoto, this of course came with new pressures for the Commander. Added to this, Sanan, who had been unable to cope with the loss of the use of his arm, had taken the water of life one night in desperation. He too had survived but the effect of the elixir left him teetering on the edge of the blood lust. A weaker man would have buckled but in fairness, Colonel Sanan wasn’t just any man. 

This particular incident though, had affected Hijikata dramatically. The Commander had been especially irritated and vile - much of it directed at Kondou, who Yamazaki suspected Hijikata blamed for undertaking the Shogun’s experiment in the first place. Kondou was hurting too, but he saw the bigger picture of the benefit that having Sanan back at least in some form, might bring. In any event, Kondou tolerated the Commander’s ire, because he understood his loss. 

The weather was turning warmer, the sun was setting much later at this time of year. Soon the autumn would come bringing the golden leaves and the rain. Yamazaki rolled the sleeves of his kimono up to the elbow and let the warm afternoon sun tickle his pale skin. 

As usual, his thoughts turned to the Commander. His contact with Hijikata had remained daily despite there being less need for it operationally. It had probably become slightly more habitual than anything else. Each evening Hijikata would call him for briefing, and Yamazaki would ensure that he had news of some kind that would keep Hijikata satisfied. Yamazaki would linger after the tactical matters were discussed in the hope the Commander was of the mind to offload on a willing ear. More often than not the Commander would discuss his thoughts on Sanan’s predicament, or how Kondou or the Captains were irritating him. Yamazaki tried to encourage this catharsis as much as possible. The Commander was an otherwise private man, and for months Yamazaki had worked to break down some of his barriers to protect the Commander from his own thoughts.

Hearing footsteps in the floorboards behind him, Yamazaki turned to see Chizuru carrying a bucket towards the well. She’d been quite affected by Heisuke’s injury after Ikeda, fussing over him for months. It had been quite obvious that the two of them were a couple to the Commander and the other captains afterwards. Yamazaki had played down his prior knowledge when Hijikata had questioned him about it. Still, it hadn’t had an earth shattering effect on the dynamic per se, Chizuru still acted as a male page in public, and the Captains quarters were separate enough from the main buildings that only the leadership might accidentally stumble across something more, intimate. 

“Yamazaki-san!” Chizuru smiled brightly as she passed him down the steps. Although her body looked thin and fragile, her demon blood gave her incredible strength. Filling the large bucket with water from the well she lifted it with ease as she turned back toward the building. As she reached him she placed the bucket on the step as she paused to chat.

“ it’s warm again today” she smiled rolling her sleeves just as he had done. She turned her slender arms back and forth in the sunlight warming them. He smiled at her kindly nodding in agreement.

“You look worried again Yamazaki-san,” she said placing a porcelain fingertip on his sun-warmed skin, she gave his arm a little squeeze. “Are you worrying about Hijikata-san again?” She added knowingly. 

“How did you....?” Yamazaki began to ask, slightly startled by her perceptiveness, chiding himself for giving himself away.

“Oh Yamazaki-san, you know I have one of the rooms nearest Hijikata’s. I see you there almost every night. For the last week though, every time I’ve seen you, you always leave with the same worried frown on your face. Let’s just say, I see that face and I just assumed.”

She fiddled with the cuff of his sleeve, picking at a loose thread in a motherly way -despite being three years his junior she had a tendency to be emotionally wise. Her feminine traits were always more obvious when she was alone with him and the Captains. 

“I just worry that the Commander has a lot of stress with...” he paused unwilling to break Hijikata’s trust, “the level of work he has” he added quickly. “I think he’s worried about Sanan and the Kazama situation. I just think it’s important that he has someone to vent his feelings at. I just want to be useful to him and anyway I owe him a lot - I’d have nothing in this world or the next without him....” He trailed off, looking away awkwardly, already hoping he hadn’t said too much. She was so disarming that he was surprised how often had to stop himself from telling her all of his secrets.

Chizuru noticeably bristled at the mention of Kazama. Having been nearly kidnapped several times in the intervening months, she had more than her fare share of worries from him.

“Hijikata is stronger than any of us, he just doesn’t know how to let go, or how to share the burden. I think he uses that frustration to motivate him and push forward, but that’s probably only sustainable for so long.” She brushed a small piece of hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear. 

Yamazaki nodded, she was right and he knew that he wanted very much to do what he could to lighten the Commader’s burden. 

“You know,” she said, leaning on the rail, closer to Yamazaki, her hair now close enough that he smelled the floral scent of her hair oil. “Inoue told me a story once about Hijikata when they first met.” she paused to look sideways at Yamazaki who leaned in even closer at the mention of anything personal about the Commander.” She lowered her voice a little further. “After Kondou and Hijikata had that argument over Sanan the other week, I’d asked Inoue why Hijikata can’t handle his emotions and bottles everything up with rage.” 

That sounded familiar to Yamazaki who nodded subconsciously as she spoke. 

“Anyway,” she continued, “Inoue told me that not long after Hijikata had joined the dojo with he and Kondou, a young samurai from the Aizu clan was forced to commit seppuku, this apparently affected Hijikata dramatically, especially as the man’s crime had been opposing the reformists. He said that it was at his funeral was the first and only time that he had seen Hijikata cry.” She took a breath and looked out across the courtyard.

“I think what I’m trying to say Yamazaki, is that if Hijikata is able to confide in you even to a small degree, then you are protecting him, and the rest of us from his burning out.” 

She looked up at him with her huge doll-like eyes and smiled. She was so kind. Since Ikeda she’d done a lot to prop up his confidence in his ability, chipping away slowly at his lack of self worth. They’d developed a friendship that he’d started to value greatly. He doubted he had quite the impact that she was suggesting, however he was always hopeful that it was true. 

“I...just have a need to be near him I guess, It’s..... hard to explain” Yamazaki said, shocked at his honesty. He silently cursed Chizuru for her ability to get him to talk. Chizuru’s smile widened. “I know how that feels.” she gave him a small wink. He wasn’t quite sure what she meant, Heisuke perhaps? He was about to say that it wasn’t quite the same thing, when Hijikata suddenly stepped out into the sunlight behind them. 

It was evident that neither of them were doing what they were supposed to be. Startled, Chizuru scuttled back to the bucket of water she’d left resting on the top step. 

“Hijikata-san,” she squeaked her voice returning the more familiar awkward tone she seemed to use expressly for the Commander. “I was just fetching the water for the rice”. Without hanging around for an answer or what she suspected was a potential earful, she bowed deeply and picked up the bucket and disappeared inside. She gave a small guilty smile at Yamazaki as she passed. 

Unfazed by Chizuru, Hijikata turned to Yamazaki who looked at him with a unusually panicked expression. 

“Susumu, I think I might need your medical opinion on understanding some of Sanan’s research when we meet later if possible.” He said factually.

“Of course Commander.” Yamazaki acknowledged, trying desperately to decipher how long Hijikata had been standing there before he’d come out of the doorway. His senses were usually more fine tuned than this but he’d been distracted talking to Chizuru - distracted because he was talking about his feelings....

He’d expected, no, hoped that Hijikata having had the answer he wanted, would return back inside, however the Commander instead joined him leaning against the rail.

“It feels like days since I’ve seen the sun” Hijikata said unexpectedly. 

Suddenly aware of his bare arms like some basking reptile, Yamazaki quickly covered his now warm skin with his sleeves again. It was a ridiculous thing to worry about, but he suddenly felt indecent for enjoying the sunshine when the Commander had slaved away in the comparative darkness of his quarters. Feeling awkward he tried to think of something to fill the silence. He didn’t usually have trouble thinking of things to say to the Commander. He blamed Chizuru for putting stupid ideas in his head. Hijikata though, didn’t seem to notice the silence. For once he seemed relaxed as he stared out across the courtyard. Suddenly Yamazaki didn’t want to say anything. He didn’t want to break the spell. He watched the Commander enjoy a brief moment of contentment and his heart lept. In that moment he would have done anything to preserve this calmness for Hijikata forever. 

Hijikata took a deep breath, as if he could inhale the sunshine and its life giving energy, and turned towards the doorway. “I’ll see you later then Susumu,” he called out as he walked back inside the compound. Yamazaki breathed a small sigh of relief. He felt sure that the Commander would have said something had he overheard he and Chizuru talking. 

*****

Walking along the corridor to his quarters, Hijikata’s smile had already faded. He’d arrived a few seconds before Chizuru and Yamazaki had seen him and had overheard much of what Susumu had said. Although he hadn’t been explicit in his declaration, it was clear to Hijikata that at some point those feelings were going to become a problem for him. Hijikata knew already that this was something that could never be. It had nothing to do with the fact that Yamazaki was another man - hell, Hijikata had had no particular preference in that aspect. It did however have everything to do with him being a man under his command. Inwardly he cursed himself for growing fond of gentle, loyal Susumu. He’d stupidly allowed him to get close when he’d been so good at keeping his distance before. Unfortunately, he’d come to enjoy his company and not just his value as kansatsu. With hindsight he’d been seduced by Yamazaki’s intelligence, his willingness to please. That willingness was a terrible trigger for Hijikata. This combined with Yamazaki’s soft almost androgynous features which had slowly become more and more enticing the more time they’d spent together. This was a spectacular fuck up on his part.

A small part of him wondered, no hoped this was just some pent up sexual tension that could be eased with a short trip to Shimiabara. He’d been stressed since Ikeada after all. In absence of releasing this tension that way, he knew it was just easier to do his best to keep temptation out of his way altogether. Avoid making this more difficult than it needed to be. In the preceding months he’d relied on Yamazaki for his strength, and now he was going to need to be the strong one.


	6. Duty is Different - Words Unspoken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamazaki comes across an unexpected window into Hijikata’s heart.

6.

Knocking gently on the door Yamazaki waited. There was no answer. The Commander was out. The last thing Hijikata had said to him at the morning briefing was to update the operations maps with the logistics they’d worked out the night before. There were still aspects of the communications vantage points that Yamazaki needed to add having checked the recon that afternoon, so he hadn’t got to it until now. It was irritating that the Commander was out, Still, he figured it would probably be fine just to collect the papers from the desk and update them without disturbing Hijikata unnecessarily. Entering the Commander’s room, he crossed the floor towards the desk.

Hijikata’s desk was untidy as always. Yamazaki sighed, he would evidently have to look through a mountain of paper to find what he needed. The Commander could be quite the hoarder when it came to information, papers from the Ikeada operation were still present in this particular pile! He supposed there is some logic to it - keeping evidence of the tactics that worked was a kind of future proofing that Yamazaki thought he would never understand like the Commander. 

As he shifted the papers on the Commander’s desk, a small green book fell from the between the pile of documents, hitting Yamazaki on the foot as it fell. The book was clearly something personal of the Commander’s rather than operations related. Retrieving it, he turned it over in his hands. The book itself was unusual, expensive and beautifully bound. It was covered with silk fabric with a lotus flower print. To be honest, it didn’t look like the kind of thing that the Commander would have bought for himself. Perhaps it wasn’t his? Even so, Yamazaki knew he shouldn’t look at it further, it wasn’t what he’d come here for and certainly wasn’t to do with the mission. He went to put it back on the desk but hesitated. The pages were creased open when it landed. This was a disgustingly opportunistic moment and Yamazaki’s own curiosity of Senpai was suddenly too strong to resist. 

Opening the book, the Commander’s neat brush script flittered across the pages like butterflies. Yamazaki immediately recognised the word structure as haiku. It was hard to imagine Hijikata writing poetry, but the evidence was there in his hands. Intrigued, he scanned the short lines of the poem. Hijikata’s melodic haiku about nature were surprisingly gentle in contrast to the hardened warrior that had written them. Susumu smiled to himself, imagining the Commander inking these beautiful words as he read them. Gently he flicked through the pages, hungrily reading each poem. Their critics called the Shinsengumi “peasant samurai - farmers with katana” but in reality the Commander was as intelligent as any scholar. Yamazaki knew from their long discussions after briefings that Hijikata was interested in literature, the fact that he could write haiku wasn’t unexpected, it was more of the fact that he had that surprised Yamazaki. What’s more, they were good. These were not the clumsy musings of an amateur, but comparable to any of the haiku that Yamazaki had studied as a child. He felt happy that the Commander had an outlet using his poetry as an escape from the horror he encountered as a Samurai.

The more Yamazaki discovered about the Commander’s softer side the more ardently the feelings he had persisted. Yamazaki had started to know the man behind the blade and duty had started to feel different. No matter how Hijikata hid his gentle traits, Yamazaki knew they were there, even more so now seeing this. Yamazaki couldn’t help himself but continue to absorb the Commander’s elegantly composed lines for a moment longer. He was about to close the book when something unexpected caught his eye. Turning back one of the pages carefully he clearly saw the kanji for his own given name, 進 Susumu. Hesitantly he read the words beside his name inked in the Commander’s perfect script:

Sands shift below me,  
Susumu give me your strength,  
Waves crash upon me.

Yamazaki closed the book quickly, guilt punching him hard in the pit of his stomach, taking the wind from his lungs. His mouth suddenly ran bone dry. Quickly he placed the book back between the pages of reports where it had come from. Fuck. He shouldn’t have snooped, he knew that. He suddenly felt as if he’d walked in on the Commander naked - actually that would have been less odd! After all, living in close proximity to other men, nudity was absolutely common and accepted even after Chizuru started to live there. No this was as if he’d walked right into Hijikata’s soul and that was so much more intimate, and so much more of a violation. He felt as if he’d betrayed the person he respected the most, the person that had given him everything, and it suddenly sickened him.

He paused. Mind racing. I can’t undo this, and I can’t unknow it. I just need to bury this and move on with what the Commander really needed from me - to be the kansatsu for the regiment, to fulfil my duties and respect the boundaries between us. Things had been getting blurred lately. He’d almost forgotten himself only the other day while talking to Chizuru. He and Hijikata had been spending an unusual amount of time together, he’d almost forgotten how low down the pecking order he was. He didn’t even have men under his command. He was nobody, a solitary figure on the fringe of the regiment. Useless in battle, forbidden from even taking part. He’d fooled himself into inflating his relevance just because the Commander had confided in him. Yes, he’d seen him at his most vulnerable that somehow made his current betrayal even worse. He had to get into the fresh air. He was suddenly suffocating.

Leaving the Commander’s room, he moved quickly down the corridor, past the other captains quarters, past his own room, his pace quickening, the fog around him becoming more and more claustrophobic. Finally he made it to the inner courtyard, the cool air hit him and he gasped for breath as if he was drowning. His face was sweating, his heart racing like it would explode. He breathed deeply, the damp of the cool dusk air filling his lungs. He looked out over the the courtyard. The sun was just setting and everything was still except for the rustle of the wind blowing through the trees. He took another breath, the momentary panic slowly passing. He gripped the wooden rails of the porch tightly, concentrating on slowing his breath, counting in his head as he did so. He’d not had anxiety like that for some years, certainly not since he’d been with the regiment. He’d always felt completely settled and in control since he’d been part of the Shinsengumi. Since he’d met Hijikata. 

His heart began to race again as he thought of the Commander. He’d let his own curiosity, no his obsessive hero worship, take over and it could cost him everything if Hijikata found out. How could he ever trust him again. Be his strength? Don’t make me laugh! He gripped the rail tighter. Unshed tears stung behind his eyes.

Still, was it true? The nagging voice at the back of his head started screaming more loudly. The Commander, no his Commander, had looked to him for strength? Was it just nonsense poetry? Then why use his name? Perhaps it was clumsy spelling, the characters in Susumu could mean a literal ‘to move forward’. Perhaps he’d used it to make the syllables fit. Given the quality of the rest of the haiku in the book, it seemed unlikely that he’d made an error or would have just tried to “make it fit”. Despite everything Yamazaki desperately wanted it to be true, even if he was struggling to admit it. He only ever wanted to make Hijikata happy, be near him. That’s what has started this foolish turn of events. Yamazaki wanted to know him, to be his strength.

The sun was just a faint glow in the sky. Yamazaki wiped his face with his kimono leaving a damp patch on the sleeve. He descended the steps into the embrace of the inner courtyard and moved towards the well in the corner. It was quiet. The rest of the captains must be at dinner. He didn’t feel hungry. Staring at his reflection in the water he couldn’t help but play the haiku over in his mind, torturing himself and his stupidity. Idly he picked up a nearby stone, dropping it into the still water he shattered the reflection of his sad expression into ripples.

“Yamazaki-san, are you not eating tonight?” 

The familiar, slightly irritated voice called down to him from the steps. The last voice he felt like hearing, and yet the only voice he wanted. He turned toward Hijikata swallowing hard and faking a smile. 

“Commander forgive me,”(forgive me indeed, he thought inwardly,) “I lost track of the time” he shuffled quickly up the stairs towards Hijikata, trying and failing to look less sheepish than he felt. The Commander eyed him suspiciously as he reached the top of the stairs, sensing some tension from the usually relaxed Yamazaki. 

“An army runs on its stomach. What kind of use will you be to me if you don’t even take care of yourself.” Half joking, half serious but delivered totally deadpan. It felt cutting. It was as if Hijikata knew how to pierce him at his weakest. The sick feeling returned to Yamazaki. Eating was the last thing he felt like doing.

“Of course Commander, I’m sorry. I’ll be sure to be more sensible In future.” Yamazaki bowed and went to shuffle past Hijikata toward the common room. A forceful hand grabbed him by the shoulder before he could go. Turning towards the hand’s owner, Hijikata’s intense indigo eyes stared back at him, his face stern, dark.

“I need you to be better Susumu. You have to be stronger than the others. They have the power but power isn’t everything. I’m relying on you.” As he said the final sentence he gave a gentle squeeze of Yamazaki’s shoulder. The Commander wasn’t a tactile person but Yamazaki knew that he was sincere. There and then in disbelief he knew the words he’d read were true. 

The realisation gave Yamazaki sudden inner strength, healing the damage he’d done to himself in the last moments. It was true. Somehow, for an inexplicable reason, he gave Hijikata strength and although he would never understand how, he would keep doing what he could to aid him. This thought warmed him from the core.

“Thank you Commander, for your faith in me.” Yamazaki met Hijikata’s eyes, feeling suddenly taller. Revived. Invincible. As if Hijikata’s hand still resting on his shoulder was feeding him with some kind of magical life force. 

“I won’t let you down” 

Hijikata let go of his shoulder and decended the steps without looking back. “No. You won’t Susumu.”


	7. Duty is Different - Fury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “There isn’t a demon out there that I won’t take on and kill for this....if I have to become one to kill one then I’ll just have to match his power as a fury myself.”
> 
> Yamazaki left terrified by Hijikata’s reckless desire for vengeance, makes a desperate attempt to protect Hijikata from himself, emotions surface uncontrollably.

7.

“Yamazaki, get in here now I need you! goddamnit Heisuke, bring her in here!” 

Yamazaki ran to the common room towards Hijikata’s voice. The familiar iron smell of blood lingered sickeningly in the air. As he reached the doorway he saw Heisuke cradling what looked like bloodied rags, as he got closer, he realised it wasn’t rags at all, it was Chizuru. My God, what had happened? He thought in terror. The other captains and the Commander surrounded her, there was so much blood. Her arms, her torso, she was covered in it. He looked up at the Commander, his overcoat dyed crimson at the sleeves in blood. “Help her, Yamazaki,” he barked, Looking away from Susumu, his eyes wide and full of rage, Yamazaki glanced at the other captains, Nagakura, Harada, Saito, Okita all avoided his gaze. Something was very wrong, there wasn’t time for questions, he needed to do his job.

“Here, lay her down on the table” he shouted. Heisuke gently released Chizuru from his chest onto the nearby table. Yamazaki quickly started to examine her, she was breathing, unconscious but alive, she still felt warm, but where was this blood coming from? Carefully Susumu peeled back her yukata, but her skin seemed intact. There were no wounds. He checked her breathing again, her eyes fluttered in and out of consciousness, rolling around behind her eyelids, how much blood had she lost? He checked her limbs, her torso, nothing. Had her demon body healed already?Yamazaki didn’t understand, if she wasn’t bleeding then what was this blood....was this even her blood? In panic and confusion he turned to Heisuke. 

“Heisuke, wait, is this all her blood?” 

Heisuke, staring intently at Chizuru, didn’t answer, he just held on to her limp hand more tightly. Yamazaki suddenly felt a deep sense of dread, looking around the room, who was missing? Something was very, very wrong.

“For fucksake, answer me...” he looked at the other captains desperately. “someone needs to tell me what the hell is going on” Yamazaki shouted, openly panicked by the behaviour around him.

It was Saito who finally broke the silence.

“Susumu. It’s Gen. He’s dead.”

A loud crack filled the air as Hijikata hurled a nearby tray at the wall, shattering it into splinters. Chizuru suddenly lucid, bolted upright from the table in terror with a curdling cry, Heisuke gabbed hold of her protectively pulling her tightly to his chest muffling the wail.

“That vile demon scum, I’ll shred him into ribbons,” Hijikata spat. “Thinks he can fucking just take from us and that I’ll just stand for it” he kicked out at the shards of wood at his feet looking to break something else. The other captains seemed uneasy. They’d all seen the Commander furious before, but everyone understood how different this was. Inoue was their father figure - especially the Commander. Hijikata’s determination for revenge in this moment was dangerous for them all.

“But Commander, how do we fight something that can’t be killed?” Saito asked, as usual articulating what they were all thinking. “No matter how good we are, we can’t fight someone that has the speed he does and heals the way he does” he added gingerly eyeing Chizuru with his pale blue eyes. Yamazaki looked at her too. It was true, if she had been cut to the extent of the blood on her clothes suggested then Saito was right, the demon regeneration rate would make them almost impossible to kill. 

The other Captains looked at one another awkwardly. Yamazaki looked at the Commander. 

“Don’t make me laugh,” Hijikata rounded on them with venom. 

“There isn’t a demon out there that I won’t take on and kill for this,” his voice snarled like an rabid animal, “if I have to become one to kill one then I’ll just have to match his power as a fury myself.”

He was deadly serious. Before anyone could object Hijikata stormed out of the common room. 

**********

Hijikata hurled the door with such force it almost came off the runners. The walls shook and the papers from the desk fluttered to the tatami at the sudden gust of air. Yamazaki burst through the door moments behind Hijikata, out of breath for having chased him across the compound. He'd seen Hijikata furious before, but nothing like this, never like this. This was the kind of anger that could only come from your heart shattering. The Commander didn’t know how to deal with this loss, having already had so much taken from him, the desire for revenge was going to destroy him. 

Hijikata faced away from the door hands in fists, knuckles white panting like a cornered animal. Yamazaki didn't hesitate:

"Hijikata... Commander," he corrected, "Forgive me, but surely you see that this is madness, you cannot possibly believe this is the right thing to do?" Yamazaki pleaded, practically shouting the last few words at Hijikata's back.

Hijikata whirled on his heel, seething with rage, his indigo eyes spitting fire, closing the gap between the two of them in an instant. Towering over Yamazaki, he grabbed the collar of his kimono pulling him inches from his face.

"And what would you have me do?" He spat. 

Yamazaki met Hijikata's eyes. Fear, torment, revenge looked back at him from the depths of the Commander’s darkening eyes. He wasn’t frightened, all he could think of was to protect the Commander. 

"This isn't the way Commander,” her persisted, “Inoue wouldn't want this. You know this is the truth. Have I ever told you otherwise? In all the years we've known each other I've never once told you anything but the truth." He was desperate and begging now, he could hear it in his voice. 

Hijikata didn't loosen his grip, nor did he break eye contact. His chest rose and fell in short angry breaths that landed hot on Yamazaki's face. The rage wasn't subsiding, he was lost in it, he couldn't see anything but vengeance for Inoue's death. 'I'm losing him', oh god, I’m losing him. Yamazaki thought. Anger started to bubble from somewhere deep inside. How dare the Commander do this! How dare he put his own revenge over the lives of the regiment. They were nothing without him. The water of life had taken so much from the Shinsengumi already, he couldn't let it consume Hijikata too. 

"Have you learned nothing from Sanan?" Yamazaki suddenly realised he was shouting, although still inches from Hijikata’s face, he felt that they were miles apart. 

"I can't let you do this, I won't let you do this. This is serious Commander, the water of life is unstable, you know we can't fully control the power it brings. The Shinsengumi folds without you. You are not replaceable"

Instinctively, he placed his hands over Hijikata's fists. Hear me, please! he begged internally. 

Hijikata looked down at Yamazaki's hands atop his own. Yamazaki gripped them tightly willing his point to get through even it it were by osmosis. Suddenly the Commander pulled Yamazaki closer to him, pausing, his mouth millimetres from Yamazaki's own. Yamazaki didn't move, he'd never been quite so close to Hijikata before, indeed to anyone for that matter. He could feel his heart beating in his eardrums, time stood still.

"What would you have me do?" Hijikata repeated quietly. His warm breath tickled the fine hairs on Yamazaki’s skin. Yamazaki opened his mouth but no words came out, he was suddenly paralysed by the proximity of Hijikata's face to his own. Paralysed by the fear of Hijikata's threat to become a fury, paralysed by the thought that Hijikata might never get over this. He felt so utterly helpless. He stared desperately into the Commander's eyes, answerless. His lip quivered.

Without warning, Hijikata stepped forward pushing Yamazaki backwards against the wall, his hands still tightly balled into the fabric of Yamazaki’s collar, closing the gap of the last few millimetres until their lips met, his mouth firmly on Yamazaki's lips; his body pressed hard against him. It was the last thing Yamazaki expected him to do. Powerless to resist, he fell into the Commander’s embrace because Yamazaki too needed this closeness as much as Hijikata did. He needed him to exist, and suddenly nothing existed but the two of them. Moments before he'd felt alone looking at a terrifying future without Hijikata, and now.....

Hijikata pressed himself into Yamazaki, his skin was on fire. He wasn’t really sure what this was, only that his most basic instincts were in charge. Something in the younger man’s voice had triggered him, Yamazaki’s sudden vulnerability had awakened a primal need for control, not only over Susumu but over everyone. There and then though his senses were filled only with Yamazaki; his small, almost feminine lips were soft and moist, his skin had the faint scent of yuzu oil, citrusy and comforting. Releasing his grip on Yamazaki’s clothes he moved his hand to the nape of his neck forcing Yamazaki deeper into the embrace, His other hand resting on the wall behind, he pressed his muscular body into Yamazaki's, hungrily, selfishly. He wanted to dominate him, prove he was powerful, and that he could control the regiment and everyone in it with that power. Those demons were not going to take anything more from him. Suddenly in that moment, with his lips moving urgently against Yamazaki's, devouring him, dissolving into him, he realised that Susumu was right, he didn’t need the water of life to do any of those things. Nothing could challenge his power. He was already the 'Demon' and no supernatural potion was going to change that. The realisation stopped him cold. What the hell was he doing? He was doing nothing but taking advantage of Yamazaki. Taking his frustration out on someone who didn’t deserve to be treated this way for caring. Yamazaki wasn’t a tool to be used, he wasn’t a means to an end, and he shouldn’t be Hijikata’s emotional punchbag.....

Hijikata turned his head, pulling away from the kiss, although he didn't step away altogether. He could feel Yamazaki's chest rising and falling beneath him, panting, breathless. His own heart was racing. Adrenaline and testosterone coursing through his veins, his body betraying him, erection straining at his hakama. He hadn’t expected Susumu to return the kiss. It had been a power move, a ridiculous display of his dominance and it was deliberately cruel. Wordlessly Yamazaki placed a cool hand gently on Hijikata's cheek, his thumb resting below his lower lip. 

"Commander," Yamazaki said, his voice a whisper. His eyes watery, Hijikata considered, perhaps it was the shock of what he’d done. He didn’t make a habit of being rough, in fact it had been some time since he’d been with anyone. Susumu’s pupils were wide, flicking backwards and forwards between Hijikata’s own as if searching for something, before finally resting with a deep gaze. He took a breath, Hijikata held his, fearing what he might say.

"whatever you decide, I'll follow your order." He said quietly.

Susumu's eyes glistened, behind them a determination to follow the instructions of his master, disciplined to a fault and indoctrinated into the samurai way of life. He'd probably have followed Hijikata into the fire there and then if he'd told him to. If anything, the display of subservience exaggerated Hijikata’s desire to continue what he'd started so impulsively.

The 'Demon' started rising to the surface, pushing past the guilt of moments ago crushing it like an insect, rationality disappearing into the ether. In fact, everything disappearing, the room, the walls, the war, even Gen... there was suddenly nothing but the two of them. Susumu’s hand was still on his cheek. It prickled and tingled against his face. This was wrong, verging on abusive, their ‘relationship’ if you could call it that, was deeply unequal, and yet hormones were now running the show. As he opened his mouth to speak, Hijikata’s lips slowly and purposefully moved below Yamazaki's thumb. 

"My order?" He muttered, his tongue touched the pad of Yamazaki's thumb as he spoke. His eyes darkened, his selfish ego screaming through every synapse of his brain.

Yamazaki wasn't sure whether he was getting through to Hijikata. He wasn’t even sure how the ended up here, so close. Moments ago his lips were on the Commander’s. Susumu had never been kissed like that before - although he wasn’t a virgin, his visits to the pleasure quarters of the city had always felt clinical and unfulfilling. Now his emotions were all over the place. Basic duty had suddenly been replaced with complicated feelings: the fear he felt of losing the Commander had not subsided, but it had been joined by longing, lust even. The last one terrified him. The kiss had blindsided him. He'd expected a crack on the jaw when Hijikata had grabbed him, he'd been so angry, but this? Yamazaki didn't know how to rationalise this. Pushing his feelings down hard, incapable of processing the physicality of what had just happened, all that mattered was getting Hijikata to stop the fury madness, whatever that took he’d do it.

There was too much to ignore, the desire in Hijikata’s eyes, the suggestiveness of his words. It was even harder to ignore the warmth of his strong body which was still pressed into him, the weight of his hand still at his neck, the feeling of his own heartbeat throbbing in his jugular, the physical reflexes in his groin. He knew he needed to ignore all of this, make sure once and for all the Commander knew what was at stake - the danger of Kodo’s elixir. Persisting, he gently lifted his hand from Hijikata's cheek. 

“I will follow your order, Commander, but know that I made it my duty to protect you with my life. I know that you understand what that means.”

Something appeared to click in the Commander’s eyes. The dark look dissipated. 

Duty is all it is. Hijikata realised.

He took a step backwards. The cold air rushed to fill the gap making the distance feel like a chasm. Yamazaki stayed still, eyes fixed on Hijikata, his words hanging in the air between them. Hijikata’s face was suddenly emotionless, as if nothing had happened. The heat between them evaporated.

Hijikata fixed him with a passive stare and cleared his throat.

"Susumu, I have no intention of going anywhere. There will of course need to be retaliation for Gen's life. My original course of action though needs more careful consideration I agree." Hijikata paused, and rubbed the corner of his mouth. Despite his attempt at normality, his face was still slightly flushed from moments before, small beads of sweat remained on his forehead. As if he was suddenly aware of this, he looked away from Yamazkai and continued. 

"I've appreciated your counsel on this matter, but I'd be grateful if you would give me some time to consider the alternate....strategies. Go and check on Chizuru and the rest of the captains"

His words were cold, emotionless. He didn’t make eye contact as he spoke. Dismissively, Hijikata turned and walked over to the desk as if nothing had happened. Yamazaki stood for a moment staring at Hijikata’s back, wondering how he’d gone from the warmth of the Commander’s embrace to the chilling isolation he suddenly felt. Shell shocked, he straightened his kimono, the collar creased and still warm from the Commander’s fists. Hijikata’s back remained towards him as he shuffled papers on the desk. Disgusted with himself for taking advantage of Yamazaki’s sworn duty to him, Hijikata willed Susumu to leave.

Dejected and confused, Yamazaki bowed to leave the room. Clearly there would be no further discussion on this, or anything else tonight, no matter how many questions he still had.


	8. Duty is Different - Moonlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yamazaki didn’t want an apology. He’d wanted it to happen. He’d come here, subconsciously or not, to finish what Hijikata had started”

8.

Sleep wouldn't come. Yamazaki stared at the wooden ceiling in the darkness above him. So much had happened this evening, everything had changed. Gen was in the afterlife. The Shinsengumi seemed to be hurtling towards chaos. The Demon factions agitating the war, Sanan boardering on insanity continuing Kodo's experiments, Kazama's pursuit of Chizuru. They'd never fought on so many fronts before. The one person who usually held them all together, the one they looked to for control and reason, was now spiralling. Hijikata was being consumed by not only the war in Japan, but the war with Kazama. 

He put a hand to his lips. They felt different, raw, like they weren't part of him anymore. Yamazaki wasn't quite sure what to do with the complicated feelings that Hijikata’s kiss had stirred up. He'd gone from fear of losing the Commander to the water of life, to fear of losing himself, to a crushing loneliness when Hijikata had turned away from him. Being a kansatsu was a solitary job, but without the Commander Yamazaki really was alone now. He wondered whether by being near Hijikata all this time he’d been otherwise content to be alone? The Commander had always been there to anchor him as he'd bobbed on the fringes of the regiment. Each time he returned he was rewarded with praise for his work, fed by the satisfaction of bringing the Commander something advantageous; or something that would prevent tragedy. 

Something that would prevent tragedy. 

Susumu thought of Gen. One of the cornerstones of the regiment snuffed out. Chizuru was still shell shocked from witnessing everything. He'd checked on her earlier in the evening when the Commander had sent him away. Even then, after everything, doing as just he was told. He was pathetic. 

Poor Chizuru. She had cried herself to exhaustion. Inoue had sacrificed himself for her. The wounds to her her demon body had healed immediately, her mind however, that was going to take longer to heal. When he’d returned to tend to her, Yamazaki had gently washed her face and hands as she wept. Heisuke had not left her side once, consumed by the guilt that he himself had not been there to protect her. He had finally managed to persuade her to rest. Yamazaki had left him and Saito outside her room to watch over her. When he'd looked for the other captains, there wasn't anyone to be found. After the Commander and Yamazaki had left the common room, Shin had apparently kicked off at Kondou for being complicit in the Commander’s suggestion of using the water of life. He’d been most vocal, having been against Kodo’s experiments from the beginning. He’d left the compound to cool off, Sano following him as usual to act as the voice of reason to prevent anymore bloodshed or dangerous behaviour. Sanan unfazed by the Commander’s suggestion had left on his usual night time patrol with the fury corps. The Commander's outburst had brought up so many different problems in the leadership, widening the cracks that were under the surface. Gen’s death was fracturing the Shinsengumi like frost on stone. Like the other captains, Yamazaki has lost Inoue too, but for some, this wound might never heal. 

Yamazaki’s thoughts drifted back to the nights when the captains would drink together, Gen regaling them with the early days before the Shinsengumi. Stories of Shiei Hall Dojo, teenage Hijikata and Okita learning swordsmanship under Kondou, building a reputation as true Samurai, not just the Wolves of Mibu. At any other time it would have been impossible to imagine the Commander as a young man - as anything other than the experienced warrior and leader that Yamazaki knew, but Gen’s storytelling was so vivid. Yamazaki felt he knew everything about Hijikata. Those evenings nearly always ended up with the Commander getting irritated. He was so private, and he only let Gen tell the stories because it was Gen. Okita would always make some smartass comment to wind him up further and they would squabble into the dawn. Gen and Kondou watching them and chuckling in the background. It was more than just years of comradeship, they were family. 

Yamazaki hadn’t had a family for some time. He had tried to make his duty to the Shinsengumi fill the gap of a family. The Commander, his senpai, he had become the closest thing he’d had to family. It wasn’t just about duty, he knew that. After today and the fear he’d felt at losing Hijikata, he knew whether he was in the Shinsengumi or not, the Commander was the most important thing in his life. Possibly the only thing in his life.

Hijikata-san, what does this all mean? Why did you do this? Yamazaki touched his lips again. When he closed his eyes against the darkness, he could almost still feel the sensation of Hijikata, pressed against him. Hijikata almost never showed his feelings - well, other than rage, although even then it was kept on a relatively tight reign. Until today, any closeness he'd felt to the Commander had been based on tiny droplets of praise, drip fed to him. He’d gone through the drought of his daily life, storing this praise up like a cactus, letting it feed him, nourish him. He'd always felt 'useful' to Hijkata, a tool, a game piece, staking his self worth on this usefulness. For the first time, briefly, he'd felt wanted for something other than his military obligations. That feeling had been new and intoxicating, and he’d realised that his feelings for the Commander might exist in a different format. The moment Hijikata had taken it away and dismissed him, he'd been unable to think of anything except longing for brief feeling of being wanted once again.

Yamazaki got up from the futon. Sleep seemed a futile waste of time. Too much had happened this evening to achieve any purposeful rest. Perhaps his mind would rest more easily if he made a quick circuit of the compound? A chance for some fresh air in the inner courtyard. He could check on Chizuru at the same time. Pulling on his kimono, he stepped out of his room. 

He walked through the compound, making noiseless cat-like steps honed over years of covert movement. The inner courtyard was silent other than the sound of the circadas, the cool night air bit at his bare legs and chest. The air only made him feel more alert. Going back inside, he crept along the corridor where the captains quarters were, Yamazaki checked each of the rooms as he went. Shin and Sano's rooms were empty. It was past curfew. Though he hadn't expected them to be back such was the mood they left in. He moved along the corridor. Saito was still outside Chizuru's room. Sliding the door open a crack, Susumu peered in. Chizuru was asleep curled into the side of Heisuke’s body, her head resting in his lap. Heisuke was also asleep, head resting on the wall, right hand resting on the hilt of his katana. His left was curled protectively around Chizuru as if he’d never let her go. Sliding the door closed, Saito quietly nodded at Yamazaki in acknowledgement, his eyes glinting in the half light. 

Yamazaki continued through the compound, silent empty rooms. He moved more quickly as he passed Gen's room, the smell of incense lingered, but the chill of death hung over the doorway. Almost too quickly, he had arrived at Hijikata's room. He paused. What had started out as a chance to clear his head, had somehow led him to Hijikata, was it deliberate? The only way to clear his head was to resolve things once and for all. He listened carefully, there was no sound of movement inside. It was likely the Commander was asleep. There was no light beneath the doorframe. He knew he should go back to his room. Was living in the purgatory of not knowing better than having the Commander push him away entirely? Was a glimmer of hope enough to survive on the rest of his life? He hesitated for just a moment before gently sliding the door open and slipping inside. 

As his eyes adjusted to the light inside the room, he saw Hijikata asleep on the futon. He didn't stir. It looked as though he'd had a fitful sleep again. Perhaps Hijikata never slept soundly. The bedclothes were screwed up at the waist, barely covering his body, one arm up under his head, the other slung across his chest. Moonlight from the windows highlighted his muscular torso, his pale skin tinted blue in the twilight. Yamazaki had never really looked closely at another man in anything other than a medical sense. He noticed that unlike most warriors, the Commander’s skin was smooth. Pristine and unmarked by scars of battle. Hijikata was probably the most skilled swordsman he’d ever known. Likely no man had ever come close to landing a blow to mark him.

From the doorway, Yamazaki watched Hijikata's chest rise and fall. He wanted to be closer, but he hesitated. A part of him wanted the Commander to awaken so he could speak to him. As he’d lain awake in his room, he’d thought of hundreds of things he needed to say, but now he was here nothing he’d thought of seemed important. He drew closer to the futon, the Commander’s powerful magnetism pulling him like the moon pulling the waves. Kneeling beside his head, he watched Hijikata sleep a moment longer. He remembered back to the night months ago when the Commander had agonised over the decision for the Ikeda operation, drinking himself into unconsciousness. He'd watched him sleep that night too. Back then, he'd told himself that it was his duty as the medical officer to ensure the Commander slept safely, but he could admit it was more than that. He needed Hijikata, he was tied to him whether he wanted it or not. He’d become Hijikata’s strength. He remembered the haiku he’d seen weeks ago, how he’d read in disbelief that he meant something the Commander, and the guilt he’d felt from finding it. He looked at the Commander's face. He was painfully handsome, their ten year age gap giving him a masculine edge that only comes with age. Yamazaki had heard that the Commander had been engaged many years ago before the Shinsengumi were established, however the dangers he would face as a Samurai had caused him to break this off. He was never short of female attention on the rare occasions he’d been into Kyoto’s entertainment districts, although even then his interest had seemed only to be the Shinsengumi. He’d traded his bride for his duty. Married to the regiment. Hijikata’s perfect cheekbones glowed with moonlit highlights, his glossy untied hair tumbled over the pillow, errant strands on his chest, shone black against his skin. His full lips slightly parting with each intake of breath, those lips. Yamazkai put his hand to his own lips once again. Whatever had happened between them, he was certain he wanted it to again.

"Commander?" He whispered beside Hijikata's ear.

Hijikata's eyes fluttered open, "Susumu?" He replied, his voice disoriented and sleep filled. It was uncharacteristically gentle and suddenly irresistible. Impulsively Yamazaki lent down, placing his lips onto Hijikata's. His tongue pushing into the the warm inviting depths of his mouth. He’d worked himself up into a besotted frenzy in the last few hours. Had he stopped to consider the consequences, he might have been more tentative, certainly more awkward. He was inexperienced, but he wanted Hijikata. He needed him. Newfound courage pushed him forward, irresponsibly. Hijikata, awake, reached up to pull Yamazai closer, once again grabbing him by the collar, pulling him onto the futon. His kimono gaped where it was only loosely tied and he could feel Hijikata's skin, cool from exposure to the night air, on his own chest. It was intoxicating. By contrast, his own skin felt hot from this barest touch. Hijikata responded to the kiss, his experience noticeable, hungrily teasing Susmumu's tongue with his own. This was the most dangerous thing Yamazaki had ever done. He wasn't a risk taker, everything he'd ever done was carefully calibrated, researched, based on evidence. In that moment as he'd heard the Commander call him by his first name, gently, sleepily, all rational thought had stopped. 

Hijikata's response had been the one he'd hoped for but not expected. He'd wanted to shout at him, demand an explanation. How could he kiss him, stirring up these confusing feeling and then send him away. How could this fix anything? 

Suddenly Hijikata rolled over, forcefully pulling Yamazkai below him as he did so. Although Yamazaki and his lack of caution had started this, he clearly wasn't going to be the one in control of what happened. The sudden weight of Hijikata's body felt heavy on Yamazaki's smaller frame. Controlling. Pausing for a second, towering above him, Hijikata looked Yamazaki straight in the eye. Even though they were now directly in the moonlight his eyes were the darkest colour Susumu had ever seen, sparks seemed to dance behind them like fireflies. He suddenly realised he'd been holding his breath, unexpectedly causing him to gasp, his heartbeat hammering on his chest, his pulse in his ears. The Commander loomed above him, imposing, his long hair tickled the side of Yamazaki’s face. He was suddenly a little frightened, like a mouse in a cobra’s eyeline. Just as he’d done hours ago, he closed the gap between them, reaching up to put a hand on Hijikata's cheek, his thumb once again resting on Hijikata’s lip. This time though, the Commander opened his mouth and hungrily sucked on Susumu's thumb. His eyes trained on Susumu's reaction. The look was dangerous. Heat rose within Yamazaki as Hijikata’s tongue traced the edges of his thumb, seductively, a small bead of saliva running down the heel of his hand creating a sensation that made him twitch with pleasure.

Yamazaki felt the hardness of Hijikata's erection against his own, separated only by the thin fabric of his kimono. His own body responding automatically, primal, he arched his hips, grinding into the Commander’s body. Hijikata shuddered above him, his eyes locked onto Yamazki's own. He pulled at the kimonos' fastening, freeing himself from the fabric as Hijikata reached down to place a his hand around Yamazaki who gave a muffled cry as Hijikata clamped his mouth over his own once more. Already breathless, Susumu became lost in the sensation as his lips moved in time to the rhythm. He’d gone from a man who had never been kissed to this. It seemed impossible. Yamazaki’s senses were in overload the taste of the Commander’s kiss, the smell of his skin, the feel of his hands - rough and calloused from decades of carrying a sword. He tried desperately to hold back, his body now dripping in sweat. He couldn’t hold out much longer. He gasped pulling free from the kiss. 

Hijikata stopped. He looked down at Yamazaki’s flushed face plastered with sweat soaked hair, his lips pink and swollen from the roughness of his kiss. He looked so.....compliant. It was exactly how he liked his lovers. Yamazaki’s wide eyed innocence was so enticing. He was taking advantage again, but in this moment he didn’t care. His thumb caressed Yamazaki’s tip, in one deliberate agaonising motion. Yamazaki cried out,

"Commander, please!' Yamazaki panted his eyes wide, his body shaking below Hijikata’s own.

His innocence fed the desire in Hijikata, his dick twitching against Yamazaki’s thigh, expectantly. Although he’d heard Susumu call him Commander a thousand times before, this time, for the first time, it sounded so different and he liked it. 

“Say it again” he instructed. 

Yamazaki’s lip shook hesitantly. Hijikata cruelly moved his thumb once more...

"Commander...!” Yamazaki cried, desperately. 

He'd never felt so powerful. He couldn't remember a time when any lover had ever made him feel this way. Perhaps it was that Yamazaki wasn’t just some willing body paid to be there for the evening. He was tied to him by duty, he respected him and trusted him. He was an idiot to trust him like this. To let Hijkata control him like this. He could happily play with someone like him for hours - bringing him close to climax then stopping just because he could. The dark thoughts swirled. His own dick throbbed at the thought of it. No he couldn’t do this to gentle Yamazaki. He wasn’t just another fuck.

Yamazaki shivered below him, his huge brown eyes transfixed on Hijikata. He was frightened, but hideously turned on. If he didn’t cum soon he thought he might pass out. 

“Hijikata?” he whispered, tentatively sliding his own hand down the Commander’s shaft. It was smooth and warm and wet. 

Hijikata shuddered, rock hard and pulsating against Yamazaki's thigh. Yamazaki reached for him, ducking to take it wholly into his mouth. It was even bigger than he’d anticipated. Hijikata moaned as Susumu sucked, placing a possessive hand at the back of his head as it bobbed rhythmically. Hijikata's breaths became shorter, rasping. He needed Yamazaki now, right now. He thought about taking him, about penetrating that innocent athletic body, he thought about making him cry out below him, begging him as he’d done moments ago. He couldn’t. He’d already decided Yamazaki wasn’t just a fuck. His selfish ego screamed out from the back of his brain to ignore his heart. He released his grip on the back of Yamazaki’s head as if this might ease the temptation. Susumu slowed his motion. He was gentle, Hijkata wondered fleetingly whether he’d done this before. Looking down at Susumu’s youthful delicate features, Hijikata resisted the urge to force himself further into Yamazaki's warm mouth. He knew he needed to bring this to an end before he lost control of himself and took things further than he knew Yamazaki could handle. Deliberately he reached again for Yamazaki, who gave a whimper that vibrated pleasingly against his dick. Yamazaki started to become breathless, gasping with each movement desperately keeping up with the rhythm as he sucked, He thought he might suffocate between the pleasure of Hijikata’s hand and the mouth full of his warm cock. With a guttural moan suddenly Hijikata pulled free of Susumu's lips spilling hot white cum over his chest. Yamazaki cried out shuddering as he followed . Breathless and weak he collapsed on the futon, slick with sweat and ecstasy. 

For a moment, they lay still in silence other than the sounds of their rasping breath in unison. 

Yamazaki’s pulse thundered below his skin, the cold air biting at its wetness. The room smelled of their passion and yet, as he stared at the ceiling familiar doubt crept into his mind. He daren’t look at the Commander, the reality of what they had done crept up his spine cripplingly. He lay there, silently terrified that Hijikata would send him away again. Please, please give me a signal that you want me, he thought. Listening for a cue as the Commander breathed beside him.

Lost in a cocktail of hormones, Hijikata lay panting for breath. He could feel the warmth still radiating from Yamazaki’s body beside him, tantalisingly close. The undercurrent of temptation to fuck his sinewy body persisted. He begged himself to be rational, things were so unequal. Hijikata had experimented with sex, gender being much less important than the submissiveness he hungered for. But this time it was very different. Yamazaki was his literal subordinate and he’d now crossed a line between business and pleasure that there was no coming back from. He was worried that he’d used Yamazaki as a means to release months of pent up frustration and wasn’t sure if he was capable of promising anything but the physical. Sex was easy, feelings were harder. That was the problem. He did feel something for Susumu. Yamazaki’s ever presence had burrowed its way into his heart and for once the otherwise fearless Hijikata was frightened of something.

A soft and familiar hand suddenly found Hijikata’s own. Tentatively it slid across his palm until it lay flat against his as if joined in prayer. Hijikata couldn’t help himself. He curled his fingers threading them through Yamazaki’s delicate fingertips. He still couldn’t bring himself to look at Susumu continuing to stare at the ceiling. 

The silence stretched out before them. Hijikata couldn’t bare it a moment longer. 

“Susumu, I’m sorry” he said bluntly. “I shouldn’t have done that, I shouldn’t have done any of it, I realise this is my fault...for...earlier” he paused. It was unlike him to express something so honest and personal out loud like this. It only illustrated to him further that Yamazaki had somehow crept into his heart, making him behave like an idiot. 

Yamazaki rolled onto his side to look at Hijikata. He didn’t want an apology. He’d wanted it to happen. He’d come here, subconsciously or not, to finish what Hijikata had started.

“Comm...Hijikata,” he corrected, his mind briefly flashing back to the last time he’d said that word, “I don’t accept your apology.” 

Hijikata felt Yamazaki’s fingers grip him slightly tighter. Finally turning to face him the evidence of his guilt stared back at him. Threads of his semen glistened on Yamazaki’s torso, his lips still swollen and stubble grazed, his eyes were sad but determined. 

“Please Hijikata san, don’t send me away, not yet. Let me stay even for a just a little while”

His voice was little more than a whisper. This was going to end badly, and yet Hijikata couldn’t do the right thing. He was so selfish. He pulled Yamazaki’s body towards him cradling him against the cold of the moonlight. His huge frame engulfing him, breathing in the now familiar scent - this time though, it was somehow much more masculine, musky. Yamazaki buried his face into the Hijikata’s neck, a thick curtain of hair blocking everything from his sight. He let his lips brush against the Commander’s skin. 

“Stop.” Hijikata said in a tone he hoped was firmer than he meant. Idly he stroked Yamazaki’s hair, twisting a finger through the small ponytail of hair at his nape. Things were so complicated now, but for a moment he wanted to feel the closeness that had been missing from his life for so long.


	9. Duty is Different - Promises and Regrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Now isn’t the time for promises or regrets.....”
> 
> Sunrise brings unwelcome reality for Hijikata. He struggles with the notion of being a leader and a lover.

9.

As usual, it was sunrise when Hijikata awoke. Unlike usual, he wasn’t alone. To his dismay, cradled in his arms, Susumu slept soundly. His breath tickled Hijikata’s collarbone, his chest rose and fell against Hijikata’s own, his arms holding tightly onto Yamazaki like a child would a favourite toy. He couldn’t deny he’d wanted Yamazaki in those arms. Despite everything he’d vowed to do, despite promising himself that things wouldn’t get this far - that he wouldn’t do anything that might in any way hurt Susumu, here he was, selfishly putting his own needs above that of his men. Yes Yamazaki had come to him last night, but he should have been stronger. 

Hijikata wondered to himself whether he would have honestly done anything differently. He knew that he should have done, but when it came down to it he also knew he wouldn’t have. If anything last night had proved to be more than just lust, he knew now that he was probably falling in love with Susumu. Love though, complicated things- love had made him irrational. How could he lead the regiment when he suddenly couldn’t focus on anything but the man sleeping gently in his arms. He needed focus, he needed guidance. 

The pain of Gen’s death rose unexpectedly to the surface suddenly kicking him hard in the pit of his stomach. Gen would have given him the guidance he needed. But he wasn’t here, he was in the afterlife and that wasn’t going to change. No, this time he’d need to find the way out of this mess alone. A single tear of frustration escaped his eye, rolling off of his cheek soaking into his hair. Look at him, the fearless Commander, tearful! He was pathetic. He wasn’t used to dealing with this much emotion. What had happened with Susumu had somehow taken the lock off the Pandora’s box where he kept his feelings, and now it was all spilling out. People died every day, comrades, friends, family - this was wartime. He should be able to deal with Gen’s death better than this. With the honour and dignity that was expected of him as a leader. 

Normally, he would have dealt with this with simple vengeance. He would have found those responsible, slain them or died trying. Even then it would have been a noble death in ensuring Gen was avenged. But this time it was the supernatural Kazama he’d have to slay, and he was disgusted with himself knowing that he didn’t possess the skills to do it. The balance was tipped too far in that filthy Demon’s favour, unless of course, he evened the score with some help from the water of life. 

The desire for revenge still burned inside him. He didn’t think he was wrong to consider using the water of life if it meant he could rid the Shinsengumi of Kazama once and for all. They’d all need to make sacrifices, how could he have let Gen sacrifice himself for the Regiment if he himself wasn’t willing to do the same? There was one thing that stopped him last night, and it lay there next to him on the futon. The memory of how Susumu had fought for him persisted, as if he’d been trying to neutralise the desire to destroy Kazama. He didn’t quite believe all of the things Yamazaki had said to him, about him being irreplaceable, or his importance to the regiment. After last night he was more than a little convinced it was just Susumu’s feelings talking. Oddly though, he wanted both to be true. He wanted to be important in both his leadership as the Commander, and as.... well, what ever this was becoming? To be important as Susumu’s lover perhaps?

He couldn’t deny how addictive it felt to be special to someone. He ran a thumb idley over Yamazaki’s skin below his fingertips. Susumu stirred, mumbling something inaudible. As much as Hijikata wanted to lie here in this embrace cloaked in the blissful ignorance of what might be, there was no way that he wanted them to be caught like this by any of the Captains, especially until he’d figured out what ‘this’ was.

“Susumu...wake up...” he whispered, gently he brushed the hair from Yamazaki’s sleeping face. 

Yamazaki awoke, slightly startled, the surroundings, the room, the bed all unfamiliar. His brown eyes wide and searching for a few seconds until he remembered suddenly where he was, and who he was with. Hijikata looked down at him with a serious expression. He was propped up on one elbow, a curtain of ebony hair about his shoulders, the morning light creating the impression of a halo above him. His naked body radiating heat where it touched Yazmazaki’s own. The bedclothes crumpled at their waist, his kimono discarded on the floor. He wondered in disbelief that the Commander had let him stay, but it was true, he was here, in Hijkata’s arms.

“It’s ok. Shhhhh, Yamazaki-san,” The Commander’s indigo eyes stared down at him. Hushing him. Although he wanted to, Yamazaki didn’t dare smile, worried that if he acknowledged things the dream might somehow slip from his fingertips.

“Commander, I.....” He started, unsure of what to say next. Hijikata shook his head, cutting him off.

“Now isn’t the time for promises or regrets. To be clear, I don’t regret last night, but at the moment, I don’t know what I can promise you. I’m your Commander first, I have to be...” 

A brief look of sadness crossed Hijikata’s face, before disappearing as quickly as it had arrived, he paused, reaching down to stroke Yamazaki’s chin, His fingertips warm and dry, his touch causing Yamazaki’s heart to race under his skin once again. Hijikata’s eyes were intense, serious. Okay, he didn’t regret last night, but this was starting to sound a lot like it was over. Yamazaki braced himself for rejection. Hijikata took a breath, his thumb stroked along Yamazaki’s jawline, he was hesitant to say his next words but he had to. He swallowed,

“But also know that I want to be something other than your Commander... I just don’t know how to do that right now.”

Hijikata looked away, hair falling in his face hiding his awkwardness. Relief washed over Yamazaki, the Commander still wanted him! Nothing else mattered. He put his hand over the Commander’s and brought it to his lips. Hijikata looked at him nervously. It had been a long time since he’d been truthful with his heart, perhaps a decade or more. They needed to be careful. No he needed to be careful. He needed to make sure he could protect Yamazaki from his guarded heart. 

“We should get sorted, the rest of the compound will be awake soon. Let’s keep things...this, between us Susumu” Hijikata tried to be as firm as he could, given he was literally in bed with his subordinate. He’d broken every rule he had, and to suddenly be acting like he was in charge felt ridiculously fraudulent. 

Yamazaki nodded. He understood. Both he and Hijikata had a duty to the regiment. To the oaths they’d both made long ago. They were still at war, still fighting for the Shougnate. The regiment had so many other problems, including Kazama. He didn’t want to be the cause of anything that might disrupt things. They needed Hijikata and he needed absolute focus. Feelings aside, he would have done anything the Commander asked of him regardless. 

“I am under your direction as always, Commander” Yamazaki said earnestly. 

With a small amount of reluctance he got up from the futon and picked up his kimono. Hijikata watched Susumu as he did so, he admired how resolute Yamazaki was. He watched as Yamazaki pulled the kimono over his shoulders and fastened the belt tightly around his slender hips. Hijikata briefly thought of the obscene way that he’d pulled at those same fastenings last night in the darkness. Despite knowing that things needed to return to normal at least in public, seeing Yamazaki get dressed made him think about undressing him all over again. Now though was not the time. Yamazaki raked his fingers through his short hair, and then through the thin ponytail at the back. 

He turned to the Commander, watching him from the futon. He was beyond handsome in the half light of the morning sun, his long hair shimmering, Yamazaki smiled

“Commander.” 

He bowed as he turned to leave, Hijikata rose quickly from the futon, catching Yamazki by the sleeve as he turned, pulling him toward him, and planting a deep kiss on Yamazki’s open mouth. Breathlessly, Yamazaki smiled. To be wanted was the most intoxicating feeling he’d ever experienced. The Commander rested his forehead atop Yamazaki’s own, their noses touching like Eskimo. 

“We are still in private after all” he whispered. For the first time this morning he smiled. 

“I’ll see you at the morning briefing, Yamazaki san” he added, letting go of Yamazaki’s sleeve. 

Yamazki nodded, blushing. He bowed his head gently and left the room, the taste of the Commander’s kiss on his lips and his heart so full it could burst.

Hijikata watched the door for a few moments after Yamazaki left. Emotions still raged within him. He walked over to the shelf beside the desk, opening a lacquered box. Inside was a small glass vial of crimson liquid. A vial that Sanan had given him months ago. He picked it up and rolled it between his fingers. Had it not been for Susumu, this vial would already be empty. Despite everything, Hijikata knew the time would come when he would need to use this. He knew that at that time he would betray the promises he made to Susumu last night. He’d been honest when he’d said now was not the time for promises or regrets, although he hadn’t just meant about his relationship with Susumu. He placed the vial back in the box and closed it...for now.


	10. Duty is Different - Bait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yamazaki cried out, his katana falling from his grasp landing beside him on the dirt. Fighting against the pain, he reached desperately towards his blade, but it was useless, the pain, it was unbearable, his ears ringing, his vision darkening.“

10.

The afternoon sun was skimming the horizon as Yamazaki made his way through the market square. The crowds of the daytime were thinning and most people were making their way home. Sighing to himself, he pulled his tenugui further up around his face, cloaking himself protectively against the elements. It was frustrating, today’s recon had been a total waste of time. There had been no sign of either Kazama or Amagiri all day. He guessed it shouldn’t be unexpected. Evidently after Gen’s murder, he assumed they were probably laying low. Likely waiting until another opportunity to get to Chizuru presented itself. They’d be foolish to attack the compound when it would be much easier to wait until she was out in the open once more.

At the morning briefing, the Commander had ordered that she be confined to the compound while Yamazaki and the Captains established where Kazama was hiding out. Even without this instruction, she wasn’t in a fit state to be going anywhere anyway. She was still a fragile mess. Her usually sunny personality replaced with someone shaken and tearful. He’d checked on her that morning after leaving the Commander. He’d found her arguing with Heisuke about getting out of bed to make the food as she’d always done. It wasn’t like the two of them to fight. Yamazaki had suspected that Heisuke was at a loss what to do for the best, eaten up by his own guilt over the pain experienced by the woman he loved. That pain was so very evident that all of the captains could see it, but none of them knew how to fix it. Unlike the rest of them, she wasn’t used to the reality of battle. Like it or not, they were hardened to their loss, finding it easier to compartmentalise, accept it, and move on. They had all loved Gen of course, but the bottom line was he’d known the risks. Still, at least if Chizuru was in the compound someone would always be with her, most likely the Commander himself.

Hijikata had taken the pledge he’d made to Sen regarding Chizuru’s safety very seriously. Yamazaki knew that, despite appearances, like the other captains the Commander was very fond of her. Much as Gen had sacrificed himself, Sen needn’t have been concerned that any harm would come to her. Any one of them would have protected Chizuru with their lives. What had happened with Gen had shaken them all. If they’d lost her to Kazama too, Yamazaki knew that the Commander would never have forgiven himself. That was why it was so important to find a way to get rid of Kazama once and for all. Not just to avenge Gen, but to make sure that Chizuru was safe. What to do about the demons though was easier said than done. They possessed a power that seemingly none of the Shinsengumi could beat with skill alone. Thankfully the Commander seemed to have reconsidered on using the water of life. As the regiments trained medic, Yamazaki knew a little about the effects of the elixir. He’d seen the fury soldiers up close, medically. He’d also been there the night that Sanan had taken it. It worried him that Sanan’s transformation had somehow normalised the use of the elixir. Sanan was indeed an impressive warrior. He was tactically brilliant and an excellent swordsman, but the bitter experiences he’d had when he’d been injured had jaded him. As a result, Yamazaki hadn’t felt able to trust him fully where the furies were concerned. It was understandable, given what was at stake, that he had his own agenda, but it was one where the reprocussions were deadly and far reaching for those around him.

Yamazaki looked toward the sun as it started to dip below the buildings. It was getting late and time to return to the compound. He didn’t like the fact that, he’d be going home empty handed, but hopefully the other captains might have had better luck with their patrols. Turning off of the main street, Yamazaki smiled inwardly at the thought of going home. His mind returned to the sensation of waking up this morning in the Commander’s arms. Despite the horror of the world around him, the Demons, the Furies, the war, for once he dared to think about the idea of a future with someone he loved. Things in his heart were so much clearer since yesterday. He knew he loved the Commander with every piece of his soul. He knew it was ridiculous to look too far ahead, but at the same time, life and happiness were fleeting and if Gen’s death had told him anything was that he shouldn’t waste a moment of his life or his newly found happiness.

He made his way along the side streets, cutting through the alleyways toward the city gates, when something unexpected caught his eye in the distance. It was just a glimpse, a figure, pale hair, in a light coloured kimono appeared to duck into the narrow alleyway in between the houses. It was suspicious. There was something oddly familiar about the figure... a cold tension prickled up Yamazaki’s spine. Something didn’t feel right. His senses kicked in, suddenly tuning to the prospective danger that might be ahead, he reflexively reached for the hilt of his katana moments too late, feeling only the sharp immobilising pain, as someone struck him from behind. Instinctively he cried out, his katana falling from his grasp, landing beside him on the dirt. Fighting against the pain, he reached desperately towards his blade, but it was useless, the pain, it was unbearable, his ears ringing, his vision darkening. As he slipped into unconsciousness, he saw the unmistakeable, terrifying silhouette of Kazama walking toward him. 

***

Yamazaki awoke to the cold sensation of water being tipped over his head. Gasping for breath, he looked up in the direction of the assault. The left side of his head throbbed in agony. Squinting from the water dripping from his hair into his eyes and from the sharp the pain in his head, he suddenly realised to his terror that he couldn’t move. Thick ropes bound his chest, his wrists, his ankles. His body contorted in an uncomfortable position. He struggled at the ropes on his wrists, the fibres cutting into his skin abrasively, twisting his joints. It was no use, he was completely immobile. He was suddenly very, very frightened. His heart raced below the ropes as he looked up to see Kazama stood over him menacingly, a half full bucket in hand. Smirking cruelly, he threw more water in Yamazaki’s direction. Soaking him. Yamazaki coughed, his bound wrists unable to deflect the full force of the water from choking him. He shook his head reflexively to try and clear his airway, wincing at the tenderness of the wound on his temple as he did so. 

Kazama tossed the bucket lazily to the floor and moved towards him. Yamazaki flinched, his face close enough that Yamazaki could see the swirling crimson patterns of Kazama’s irises as his eyes studied him.

“So this is the best Kansatsu those Shinsengumi frauds have is it?” 

He snarled dismissively, his voice low. Dangerous. His face centimetres from Yamazaki’s own. He could feel Kazama’s breath, unpleasantly icy on his wet skin, he tried not to shiver from the combination of the cold and from fear, willing himself to be strong. He’d never been captured before. Rationally, he knew he needed to stay calm, think of a way to escape. Kazama could have killed him already, the fact he was alive meant he was of use. Knowing this though, was much easier than doing it.

Kazama clearly had no interest in what Yamazaki was thinking or feeling, he was mesmerised by the sound of his own voice.

“Combat is all about getting the upper hand, you know. Do you know how you get the upper hand?” Kazama continued rhetorically, “You work out what your enemy’s weakness is, and then find the leverage you need. You isolate them, cut off their senses one by one!” He nudged a fingertip menicingly below Yamazaki’s left eye. Yamazaki grimaced as he did, his finger was cold and inhuman which made him all the more terrifying, so much more so up close than the last time he’d seen him at the tea house. His smile was almost manic, eyes glinting like gem stones. They seemed to glow more and more crimson the more animated he became, as if he was somehow feeding off of Yamazaki’s obvious discomfort.

“The trivialities of your human squabbles are of no interest to me,” Kazama snorted, stepping back from Yamazaki, his hand twitching around the hilt of his katana. “The only thing that interests me is getting what’s rightfully mine.” 

He paused, sliding the blade from its saya, the familiar hissing sound of the metal as it slid from the sheath cut through Yamazaki, tension rising within him as he helplessly watched the demon bring the blade toward his throat. He felt the coldness of the metal on his skin, the point angled at his pulsating jugular. Bracing himself for what might come next, he willed himself to go to his death honorably if that was what was to come. Enjoying his moment, Kazama smiled. 

“Now, now, I’m not going to spill your blood pointlessly. Even though I don’t understand your worth, you are definitely more useful living for now. Kansatsu are the most important component in battle. All that investment, such a shame to waste.” He paused, sliding the blade along Yamazaki’s collarbone, the sharpened edge leaving a red graze along his pale skin. 

“Your pathetic Commander will almost certainly want to get his precious spy back?” He spat, the mention of Hijikata bitter in his mouth, his features twisted in hatred and disgust. He tilted his head toward the door dramatically. “Of course I’m not going to just give you back for free.” He smiled, a huge grin of white teeth like a reptile. “I expect him to give me back my little demon bride in exchange.”

Returning the blade to its saya, he gleefully swept a slender hand through his golden hair. Turning away from Yamazaki he walked towards the door.

“Sit tight, news of your capture should be arriving with him very shortly” he laughed, sliding the door closed.

The hopelessness of his reality hit Yamazaki in his stomach, making him retch. Hijikata would almost certainly never exchange Chizuru for him. Regardless of anything that might be between them, it was not the Commander’s nature to do something so cowardly, and he definitely wouldn’t bow to any demand - especially from Kazama. The warrior code was very clear, he knew there would be no exchange. The only thing that was keeping him alive was never going to happen. If he couldn’t somehow escape, he was as good as dead.


	11. Duty is Different - Lone Wolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unwelcome visitor shows up at the compound to give Hijikata an ultimatum

11.

Hijikata walked into the common room just as Chizuru had finished putting out the evening meal. The room was already buzzing with the familiar energy of hungry men, the captains already starting to work their way through the spread of rice, niboshi and vegetables that she’d prepared. He looked around the table, noticing that Susumu wasn’t among them. Although he wasn’t always there at mealtimes, keeping irregular hours when he was on recon, Hijikata felt a little disappointed not to see him. 

Yamazaki had invaded his thoughts periodically for most of the day, especially while he had been working in his room that morning. The futon so close that he was sure the smell of Yamazaki still lingered on the bed linen. He was a little ashamed to admit that he’d wasted most of the morning imagining Susumu’s complaint body below him doing all sorts of obscene things. He’d got so little work done that he’d instead gone and done some training in the courtyard, which was completely unlike him, but he’d needed to work off some of the tension somehow. Perhaps it was good that Susumu wasn’t here for dinner after all. He needed to get a grip on himself. He was the Commander of the regiment and thirty two years of age, it was time to stop thinking like some kind of horny adolescent.

Sitting in his usual place between Sanan and Kondou, he picked up his chopsticks and started to eat. The food was good, he’d barely eaten all day. The additional energy he’d expended with the sword training must have taken more out of him than he had expected. ‘Must be getting old’ he thought with some irritation as he swallowed a mouthful of rice.

Conversation flowed easily between the men, as they ate. The usual squabbling, insults and inappropriate jokes. It felt good that despite their recent sorrow, they could at least play at some sense of normality. Things had been tense for so long that he hadn’t realised how much he craved this gentle comradeship. Even Chizuru was engaging in conversation, sat beside Heisuke and Harada, both making her smile and blush with equal measure. Hijikata smiled inwardly feeling hopeful that she was beginning to heal mentally after Gen’s death.

“Did I see you training in the courtyard today Toshi?” Kondou asked, as if he’d somehow read Hijikata’s mind. He smiled knowingly. For someone who’s role as a Daimyō meant that he was called away to meet various officials a lot, Kondou still knew a surprising amount of what went on in the compound on a daily basis.

“I’ve been inside a lot lately, didn’t want my joints to get stiff” he shrugged, trying to act disinterested - particularly as it wasn’t as if he could give the honest answer that it was a choice between training or masturbating to clear his mind of his impure thoughts.

“I’m surprised you even remember which hand your sword goes in” Okita teased, a childish grin spreading over his face. Hijikata scowled at him,

“Oh yeah? Well, I can definitely remember which hand I smack you with” 

He motioned with his chopsticks toward Okita who rolled his eyes in a way that made Hijikata want to make good on his threat, he smiled his irritating ‘kid brother’ smile, before taking another bite of his food. Chewing with a look of smug satisfaction. Hijikata was about to say something to wipe the grin off of his face when all hell broke loose:

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?!” 

Heisuke suddenly lept to his feet, his bowl spinning to the floor as he drew his katana pointing it towards the door. All heads turned to face the intrusion. Amagiri stood large as life in the doorway of the common room. The rest of the captains lept up, blades drawn. Amagiri seemed unfazed at being significantly outnumbered by the senior ranks of the Shinsengumi. Clearly he’d been able to get in without being noticed and he was damn well confident that he’d leave the same way. 

Hijikata rose to his feet, fingers twitching over his blade, as he moved in front of the rest of the Captains. Amagiri remained where he was, filling the doorway, arms folded. Ignoring Heisuke’s question and turning to look directly at Hijikata. His crimson demon eyes glowing despite the low light. 

“You heard him. You better have a fucking good reason for being here if you expect to leave alive” Hijikata growled, fixing Amagiri with a menacing stare. 

“I wouldn’t waste your time with me, I have a message from Lord Kazama.” Amagiri started to speak before Hijikata cut him off, 

“Tell that parasite to fucking see me himself if he wants something, I’ve no interest in cowards who send messengers. If that’s all you want then I suggest you fuck off out of my sight before I let the ‘wolves’ off of the leash” he motioned to the captains brandishing their weapons with a flick of his wrist. 

“I see. And I wonder, are you missing of your ‘wolves’ tonight?” Amagiri asked raising an eyebrow.

Hijikata suddenly stopped cold. A terrifying realisation washed over him.

“We came across a lone wolf this evening. It was relatively easy to capture actually. My Lord has decided to keep it for a bit.” He smiled unnervingly, letting the full weight of what he was saying sink in to his audience. Hijikata glared at him with unbridled hatred, his knuckles clenched, white with rage.

“Should you want it back, well he’d be willing to consider a trade - for her”

Amagiri nodded towards Chizuru, his ruby eyes flicking in her direction. Heisuke pulled her behind him protectively hiding her from Amagiri’s gaze, ushering her toward the back of the group. The rest of the captains bristled at the suggestion, tension clouding them in a thick fog, each one of them itching to draw blood from their intruder.

Every instinct Hijikata possessed told him he should tell Amagiri to get out. That he would never bargain with that animal. That Chizuru wasn’t for sale. That all of his men knew the risks and were prepared to die honourably. But this was Yamazaki’s life that was at stake. His Yamazaki. He was lost for words.

“He’s got some nerve sending you here.” Kondou moved to stand beside Hijikata. “So where is he proposing to make this ‘trade’ should we consider it?”

Amagiri looked toward Kondou, his eyes briefly leaving Hijikata’s intense stare, suddenly interested in the new direction the conversation was taking. Kondou’s expression was measured and unreadable. Clearly an expert negotiator.

“The Togetsukyō bridge, dusk tomorrow” Amagiri replied, his voice emotionless, direct.

Kondou nodded in acknowledgment. His calmness balancing the rage of the rest of the room. He was logical, methodical and used to dealing with the politics of war. Because what the Shinsengumi had with Kazama, that was definitely war. 

“Fine. Now perhaps you should leave before things get ugly in here” 

Amagiri nodded with a polite bow, turning to leave, he looked back at Hijikata, his face twisted with something that could almost be perceived as concern.

“I wouldn’t wait too long. Lord Kazama has never been good with pets, they have a horrible way of dying if he plays with them too much”

Disappearing back into the darkness, he was gone. His final words cutting deeply into Hijikata’s heart.


	12. Duty is Different - Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "None of it mattered. His honour, his body, his mind. All were expendable. The only thing that he could think about was getting Susumu back."

12.

Despite weapons being returned to their saya the moment Amagiri left, the room remained thick with tension. Hijikata stood there motionless in relative shell-shock as the leadership hive mind whirred around him. Increasingly raised voices brought him back into the room with a jolt. Heisuke was shouting, his eyes livid,

“You have got to be kidding Kondou, there is just no way, no fucking way at all, that Chizuru is going near that animal! If you think I’ll just stand by and..."

"Heisuke please calm down, it’s fine Kondou, I understand," Chizuru interrupted, tugging at Heisuke's arm pleadingly. If anything this made Heisuke angrier. He was being driven by the fear of losing her, drowning in his emotions he was completely unable to control his temper or his mouth. To Chizuru’s surprise, he shook her off, turning on her.

“Are you serious?” He spat, “You’re going to go to that mongrel, after everything he’s done? He murdered Gen in front of you hours ago and you’re going to just give in now? And for what? to ‘save’ Yamazaki san? and then what? You’ll just settle down and continue his filthy bloodline like none of this ever happened, like WE never happened? You think I’ll just wave you off with a smile to see you live the rest of your life as some kind of demon's whore?”

The crack of the slap reverberated around the common room as Chizuru’s hand connected with Heisuke’s face. Heisuke didn’t even flinch, the sting of the slap was nothing compared to the pain of his heart visibly breaking. He deserved it, he knew. Hurting Chizuru with his words wasn’t going to change anything, it only make it easier for her to leave him. He wished he could take back the words, but he knew that they’d been the truth. Selfish or not, he couldn’t imagine her in anyone’s arms but his.

Chizuru looked past Heusuke’s smarting face as if he were made of glass, staring resolutely at Hijikata and Kondou. She was frightened of the idea of Kazama and his ‘plan’ for her. She loved Heisuke, but she couldn’t abandon Yamazaki, her friend, her ally. In a reversal of roles she knew he wouldn’t hesitate. She needed to be strong.

“Kondou san, Hijikata san, I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get Yamazaki back” 

The rest of the captains looked at her uneasily. None of them wanted to hand Chizuru over, but there was a terrible sense of dé ja vu. They’d been here just hours earlier, working out how to kill a demon who was stronger than them all, only this time Yamazaki and now Chizuru’s lives were at stake. 

"We swore to protect you Chizuru, and I for one stand by that word" Kondou looked sideways at Hijikata who was uncharacteristically silent.

"Toshi? What do you think?" 

Hijikata didnt know what to think. His mind was turning inside out. Processing the idea of a future without Susumu. It was unimaginable. He wasn’t going to lose Yamazaki and he certainly wasn’t going to standby and see the one person he loved in the world stolen from him by that vile parasite. The familiar sensation of yesterday’s rage returned to him, the desire for vengeance for Gen and now Yamazaki prickling below his skin, as if it were in his very blood stream. The injustice burned hot like a spark on kindling ignighting his inner demon. He thought of the vial in his room. The time to use it and break his promise to Susumu had arrived much sooner than he would have liked, but those promises would have meant nothing anyway if Susumu died, and if he lost Susumu then he had little reason to live any more either. The water of life was their only hope.

“We know that the only way to fight demons is as a demon. Chizuru, I will need your help, especially if I intend to use the water of life to get Yamazaki back and kill that son-of-a-bitch once and for all"

Hijikata's delivery of his intention to transform into a fury was so matter of fact that Kondou wasn’t sure if he had heard correctly. Though the vitriol was plain to hear. The other captains looked to one another, they too were shocked of the decision to reprise the fury idea when there had been so much opposition yesterday. Still even they could acknowledge that these circumstances were a little different, yet none of them were entirely comfortable with the Commander becoming a fury.

Only Sanan spoke.

“I for one agree that the water of life does seem to be the most competent solution.” He adjusted his glasses as he paused, choosing his words carefully, his voice low and sincere. 

“Seeing as the only option is to pretend to go through with the trade, if only to lure Kazama into the open to kill him. Chizuru will need to be there for any ploy to look effective. I must say though, no matter what happens, we must not allow Chizuru out of our sight or for her to be captured.” 

He eyed her over the rim of his glasses, it was cold and clinical, but it was his next words that chilled her to the bone.

“After all, She is the key to unlocking the wider uses of the water of life.” 

Kondou listened to the discussion around him, his mind ticking over the relative insanity of the plan. Heisuke it seemed, had reached his limit.

“I do not like this one bit, the Commander becoming a fury?! We decided this was ridiculous just 24 hours ago! Chizuru as bait? What if we can't protect her, we promised Sen and yet here we are sending her into the very situation we swore not to. This is nonsense. How do we even know if Yamazaki is still alive? The only thing we do know is that Kazama is a scoundrel. Commander how can you of all people trust him?"

Heisuke looked at Hijikata mirroring the desperation that he himself felt. He was the only one who understood - he was terrified of losing Chizuru in the same way that Hijikata was of losing Yamazaki. He was right of course, Kazama was a demon, and he didn't trust him, however he couldn't consider the prospect that Susumu was already dead, the idea that he was gone would have destroyed him if he entertained it for more than a second.

"What choice do I have? I would expect any of us to take the water if our back's were against the wall - if it meant life or death. The wall feels very solid at my back right now, Heisuke. I cannot leave Yamazaki to his fate for he would not leave me" 

Heisuke shook his head, gobsmacked, irritated, and defeated. After being silent for a long time, Kondou finally spoke. 

"I think we are settled that we will go to the bridge tomorrow under the false pretense of making the exchange. Toshi, I don't know how much I agree with your decision to take the elixir but this has to be your choice. Sanan please see to it that Toshi is prepared for what lies ahead." 

Sanan nodded. Kondou turned to Chizuru, placing his huge hands on her tiny shoulders in a display of fatherly affection that was uncommon in the compound 

"Chizuru, we swore to protect you and we will, what you have volunteered to do is very brave. I give you my word that we will not let him take you."

Chizuru nodded her cheeks flushed at the praise from Kondou. 

"I wont let you down Kondou san"

* * *

Back in his room, Hijikata rolled the tiny glass vial between his fingers. The red liquid sloshed from side to side. He was not afraid of dying. He was a warrior he’d faced death many times before. He’d always been confident in his ability as a swordsman, Kazama though had skewed the pitch, his demon attributes giving him an edge in a war that Hijikata could not afford to lose. 

Sanan had been by earlier. Hed explained the side effects, sensitivity to daylight, the risk of the blood lust, and the impermanence and limitations of the stamina that the elixir gave. None of it mattered. His honour, his body, his mind. All were expendable. The only thing that he could think about was getting Susumu back. 

"I'm sorry Susumu. I'm doing this because I can’t let you go." he whispered.

Twisting the silver lid from the bottle, he tipped the bitter liquid down his throat.


	13. Duty is Different - Bridges

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Promises broken and his sense of honour hanging by a thread, Hijikata takes Chizuru to the bridge and prepares to make the exchange for Yamazaki.

13.

The sun dipped below the bamboo forest that surrounded the Togetsukyō bridge, the last rays of the dying sun shimmered on the water casting shadows on the surface. It was a shitty location for a trade, clearly the reason that Kazama picked it was due to the advantage he’d have to escape with Chizuru through multiple routes. The forest provided too much cover, too many exits. There was no way they’d be able to cover all of the bases. Hijikata had never felt this tense before. Turning the possibilities over in his mind, the various options and strategies with the same goal - save Yamazaki, kill Kazama. In the end there had only been one realistic option. Sanan was right, Chizuru was the key to it all. Despite the falling temperature from the setting sun, he felt warm. He wondered whether it was a side effect of the water of life coursing through his veins. The meeting being at dusk worked to his advantage at least. The daylight’s draining effect on him wouldn’t be as extreme.

“Toshi...are you ready?”

Kondou’s comforting hand gently touched his shoulder from behind, his eyes warm, concerned. No one knew that Hijikata’s behaviour was becauase of his feelings for Yamazaki. That all of this was happening for the selfish reason that he couldn’t let him go. Things had become so intense in the last few hours that he’d briefly considered confiding in Kondou, the guilt was eating him up and he was terrified he would make mistakes because of it. In the end though he couldn’t bring himself to admit that he had crossed so many lines. There was great shame in putting his needs above that of the regiment. Instead he had decided to be a coward and carry on pretending he was still an honourable man, when in reality he felt far from that.

“Saito and Harada have done some recon. It’s difficult terrain, Toshi. No wonder they chose this area. We’ll have to be extra vigilant. We can’t let Chizuru from our sight until the time comes.”

Hijikata nodded wordlessly. Kondou confirming what he already knew. He looked behind him where Chizuru stood. His guilt for involving her in this mess stuck in his throat. He couldn’t deny that, despite the danger, she seemed utterly fearless. Her expression determined. Her hand rested on the hilt of her weapon. It was clear that she’d come to fight. In this moment she shamed him with how much she showed the courage of a warrior. She looked up to meet his eyes. Giving him a small bow of her head, she indicated she was ready. He wondered briefly whether she really knew his true motives or whether it even mattered. She and Yamazaki were close. The day he’d overheard Yamazaki talking about him to her in the courtyard, he’d suspected that she’d been aware of their depening relationship long before either of them had acted on it. He turned to look across the water. Things were as ready as they’d ever be. 

* * *  
Blindfolded and bruised, Yamazaki trudged the pathway beside Amagiri. Although he couldn’t see him, he could sense his it was him as he walked. Like the Commander, Amagiri’s height was more than just physical appearance, it gave off an aura that he could see even blindfolded. Things were definitely bad. His hands were bound in front of him restricting his movement and his balance. His wrists ached from the tight bindings, the skin raw and chafed below them. He’d expected his death much before now. It seemed somewhat unnecessary to take him elsewhere to kill him, but no one had explained where they were going, and at this point it seemed useless to ask.

The cruelty of walking him to die didn’t surprise him though. Kazama was that kind of sadist. He had given him a fairly severe beating as a result of his earlier failed escape attempt. Yamazaki had known how futile it was, he’d not even got close to the door, the bindings were too tight, but he couldnt just sit there and wait to die. Kazama had been in a blind rage at the stupidity of his effort to escape. Yamazaki had half expected to die there and then. He flinched at the recognition of his injuries. He was fairly sure he may have broken at least one or two ribs, maybe more. His clothes rubbed at the cuts on his skin from being hit repeatedly with the back side of Kazama’s blade. The wound above his eye had reopened and he could feel the stickiness of the blood stains on his skin. The smell of his blood, sweat and tears made him despair at the sight he’d present in the afterlife - if he ever made it there. 

Despite his battered body, Yamazaki’s desire to live was still strong. As Kazama had beat him black and blue over what seemed like hours, Yamazaki had willed his mind elsewhere. He’d separated his mind from his body, forcing himself to the day before when he’d been happy - thinking only of the Commander’s loving arms. As his physical presence had cried out in pain, his mind had only imagined his gasps of pleasure against Hijikata’s soft kiss. He clung to every tiny memory of the Commander, his face , his body, his touch. He’d built a wall to shield himself to the pain of his reality, knowing in the event he died, that the Commander’s face in his minds eye would be all he saw in those last moments. 

But Kazama hadn’t killed him. He’d blindfolded and bound him. Now they were walking into the unknown but almost certain death.

He wasn’t sure if there would be another opportunity to escape, but he figured it was better to die trying than to give in to his fate. He’d survived this long. It was honourable to accept his death, and if it came he would. But he didn’t have to give up yet.

Desperately he tried to tune into his other senses as he walked. He focussed. He was sure he could smell the dampness that was more than just the forest. Water - he could hear the sound of moving water and feel the softness of the dirt underfoot. Given the time they’d been walking, He was sure that they were near a river. Realistically it would be the Katsura river, being the closest to Kyoto. He wasn’t sure how long he’d been unconscious when they’d brought him to their hideout, but it wasn’t likely to have been too far outside the city gates. This meant they were probably in the forests outside of the city. He wasn’t especially familiar with the forest this side of the river. Either way, it was vast and unwelcoming terrain leading towards the Arashiyama mountain. Presumably Kazama intended to throw his body into the river for quick disposal, or leave him for the wolves in the forest. If he saw an opportunity, if he could get free somehow he’d take it. It would all depend on how Kazama intended to kill him.

“We are nearly at the bridge my Lord. It doesn’t appear they have brought much in the way of back up, at least on this side of the bridge,”

“That’s because they still consider themselves honourable. It’s foolish, they’re nothing but prideful amateurs. It’s why they’ll die today.” Kazama scoffed.

“They?” Yamazaki thought. He suddenly felt sick, the horrifying realisation that the unthinkable was happening. He was being taken as the trade for Chizuru, not for his execution. Commmander what have you done? His emotions suddenly fighting, the joy that Hijikata may have come for him and the fear of what that would cost them all...

* * * 

Three figures appeared from the clearing the other side of the bridge. Hijikata’s pulse quickened as he saw the unmistakable silhouette of Yamazaki walking beside Amagiri. As he got closer, he was horrified to see him bound and blindfolded, He was hunched, and walking awkwardly. Rage started to bubble under his skin, Susumu was clearly injured. What had that bastard done to him? 

“How dare you! Take that off of him right now!” He spat, gesturing his blade at the blindfold. His rage almost uncontrollable. Kazama stopped short of the foot of the bridge. A smile slid across his face. 

“Your pet should have thought about the consequences for trying to slip his leash. Consider this some applied training, and you’re fucking welcome...” 

Removing his short blade from its sheath, he brought it close to Yamazaki’s face. Yamazaki could feel the coldness of the steel against his cheek, menacing and deadly. With precision, Kazama flicked his wrist, the edge of the blade slipping under the edge of the fabric and in one fluid movement, cut through it like it were made of nothing but air. The shredded fabric fluttered to the floor as Yamazaki squinted at the sudden change of light. His eyes immediately darted to find the Commander. Hijikata met his eyes instantly, yet Yamazaki felt no relief - only a desperate cold and paralysing fear for what was to come. He looked toward Chizuru, who was stood behind Hijikata, her eyes filled with rage that was matched only by The Commander’s own. 

Hijikata tried to hide his shock at the state of Yamazaki. Below that blindfold, his beautiful face was cut and bruised. Even from this distance he could see the dried blood above his left eye which seemed to be blackening from bruising. He was stood with his bound hands protective over one side. My god, it was almost too much for him to bear. He was going to make Kazama bleed for this.

“Shall we stop messing about. I’m bored of your company already. Hand over my property and let’s end this” Kazama snarled.

“Unsurprisingly I don’t trust you, so she goes nowhere without Yamazaki. They trade at the same time” . 

“Whatever. Move...!” Kazama kicked out at Yamazaki with his foot, the force pushing him forward so he stumbled awkwardly, just shy of falling to his knees. Susumu winced, holding back a yelp, the kick in his broken ribs sending painful shockwaves though his body. Hijikata bristled, the desire to cut Kazama to ribbons swelling, coursing though his body, he could feel the fury essence taking hold of his bloodstream the more irritated he felt, ‘not yet’ he thought. Not yet.

Hijikata looked at Chizuru “You know what to do, he whispered” she nodded almost imperceptibly, and slowly started to walk toward the centre of the bridge. Yamazaki shuffled painfully toward Chiziru. This couldn’t be happening, how could he be responsible for her being forced into a life with Kazama? Why has Hijikata given in so easily? Where were the captains? Was the Commander acting alone? ‘Think Susumu, think...’ he begged himself to come up with something. Chizuru was maybe three metres from him when her face changed, a smile. Suddenly she started to run towards him, her shoulder turned inward, her hands poised, she was on him before he knew it, 

“Trust us Yamazaki san!” she shouted as she barged him with the full force of her tiny body, hitting him with the strength of a man twice her size, pushing him back toward the railing of the bridge. She used the momentum as he stumbled to grab him by the heel, effortlessly propelling him over the railing toward the water below. It was as if she’d practised this movement a million times. Just before he hit the water, Yamazaki saw her launch herself over the rail behind him, her arms outstretched and her ponytail trailing behind her like a goddess from another realm. As he hit the water, everything went black.

Kazama watched open mouthed as Hijikata's duplicity unfolded before him.

“I’ll kill you!” He screamed, his voice furious and unhinged.

“Funny that’s what I was going to say” Hijikata smiled, his body suddenly burning as he transformed, letting the water of life mix with his own blood, filling every cell in his body. His eyes became the colour of fire. The colour leaching from his hair, replacing the once black mane with silvery tendrils that shimmered in the dying light of the sun. Blade drawn, he ran toward Kazama, a blur of white fury. 

The clang of blades as they fought resonated though the forest. Just as the last time, Kazama met Hijikata’s blows with little effort, however this time Hijikata could feel the speed that he moved was more comparable. He felt stronger. The blows had more precision, his mind more clarity, he could sense Kazama’s actions seconds before they happened. It was as if he was acting on an entirely different frequency. 

“So you’re a fucking fake too? How interesting! I’ll enjoy ending you even more now! You’ll pay dearly for crossing me, you fool,” Kazama spat. His blade increasing in speed the more irritated he became. 

Dodging the blade with relative ease, Hijikata found himself warming to the stride of his new fury powers. Just as he’d expected, Kazama had completely forgotten about Chizuru and Yamazaki. He could see out of the corner of his eye, that Amagiri was engaged in fighting Saito and Harada just like they’d planned. It was mostly an opportunity to keep him out of the way while he faced Kazama. Heisuke, and Chizuru should have pulled Yamazaki from the water and gotten him to safety with Kondou. 

“I’ll kill you for what you did to Yamazaki, you should have never touched one of mine” 

Kazama smiled amused that his goading was having the effect he wanted, dodging Hijikata’s blade, and missing with an attack of his own. 

“He was a lot of fun, that pet of yours! You know I’ve never seen anyone take a beating like that. I almost started to get bored of hitting him in the end! He’s much stronger than he looks.”

Rage swept through Hijikata, was this the bloodlust? He was losing control - suddenly thinking of nothing but his own vengeance. He just wanted to kill Kazama. The thought of him enjoying hurting Yamazaki, incensed him. His blows increased, raining down time after time, each one met with the clang of Kazama’s own steel. Suddenly he forced Kazama backward for the first time, causing him to stumbleover the uneven floor, Hijikata saw his opportunity, he lashed out a low blow causing Kazama to trip. Before he could get up, Hijikata’s blade was angled at his throat. 

Kazama glared at him, arm outstretched toward his katana. Even in his apparent defeat, he was relentless in his rhetoric. 

"I'm surprised you're still here, wasting your time with me, shouldnt you check if your little pet drowned?" 

"Shut up" Hijikata snarled, his blade inching closer to Kazama's jugular.

But Kazama had no intention of following any instructions. 

"Your imitation powers are still vastly inferior it seems." He pushed, his eyes looking toward the riverbank. His smile twitched like a reptile.

"I can hear them on the bank from here. Can't you? Or do your powers not extend that far? Your boy is dying, those little lungs of his gurgling with water. I can hear the sound of his heartbeat slowing. She's breathing into him, my little bride, oh how desperate she is for him to live, but hes fading..."

Kazama's eyes glistened with a twisted callousness. It was as if he enjoyed the idea of death. Hijikata had been a fury for less than 24 hours, he wasn't sure of the extent of his power. Was he telling the truth? What if Yamazaki was in trouble? Hijikata tried to focus to see if he could hear. 

Unfortunately it was all the distraction Kazama needed. With an inhuman speed, He knocked the katana from its target, spinning out from under Hijikata’s guard. Suddenly back on his feet, blade in hand. 

"Your pathetic human emotions will be the death of you! Until next time, fraud" he cackled signalling to Amagiri that it was time to leave. He ran in the direction of the forest and was gone in an instant. Saito and Harada looked toward Hijikata bewildered and exhausted from sparring with Amagiri, 

“Commander should we go after him?” Harada shouted.

Hijikata’s heart was racing, his adrenaline firing through every synapse. How could he had been so easily destracted? Of course he knew the answer. This whole thing was a distraction. His love for Yamazaki was the biggest distraction he’d ever faced. There was no time for Hijikata to care about Kazama, this battle was lost. He needed to find Yamazaki.

** ** **  
When Hijikata arrived, the full terror of the truth was there in horrific technicolor. Yamazaki’s body lay lifeless on the riverbank, just as Kazama had said.

Chizuru's tiny lips rested over Yamazaki's mouth as she blew breath into him, he wasn’t moving and she was cold and shaking from the water. It’s likely she wasn’t strong enough to breathe in enough air in this state. The other captains surrounded them protectively, Hijikata pushed through them, kneeling beside Susumu. 

"Here let me" he lent in, pinching Yamazaki's nose, as he breathed a deep breath into his mouth. Yamazaki's chest finally rose with the air, reflexively he coughed, water from his lungs spurting into Hijikata's open mouth, 

"Fuck, roll him before he chokes" he instructed, he put his hands behind Ymazaki’s head, cradling it as Chizuru pulled Yamazaki toward her. Yamazaki coughed repeatedly, more water gargling from his throat as he gasped for air, his eyes flicking open searching in fear. His bound hands struggled towards his mouth. Where was he? oh god he was so cold!

"We’re here Susumu. I’m here, it’s ok” 

Turning toward the familiar sound of the Commander's voice, Yamazaki's eyes adjusted to consciousness, the face that greeted him though was not as he expected. The silver hair, framed the same handsome features, the eyes that looked at him with love and relief were not those that he knew. They belonged to someone he loved who had just broken his promise.


	14. Duty is Different - Bruised Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His body wasn’t the only thing that Yamazaki had broken.

14.

Yamazaki awoke comforting smell of the rosewood ointment lingering on his skin. He wasn’t sure what the time was, it was still daylight, but he had no clue if it was early or late. He was in his room in the compound, the familiar ceiling above him and his small collection of personal effects on the shelves around him. His futon even had freshly washed bedlinen. Were it not for the pain it would have felt almost like luxury. He moved a hand to rub the sleep from his eyes. His wrists were wrapped in clean white bandages, as was his forehead. Everything hurt and his mind was foggy. Yesterday, (well, he assumed it was yesterday,) was a blur, a painful blur. He vaguely recollected falling helplessly from the bridge and the sensation of fighting against the current with his hands tied before things went dark. He remembered coming to on the riverbank, cold and gasping. He was sure the Commander and Chizuru had been there with him, but things were confused. He must have passed out again because he had no idea how he ended up back at the compound, nor did he remember who dressed his injuries. Chizuru perhaps?

He lifted the bedclothes to inspect the damage. He was dramatically underprepared for the sight of his own naked body, so much so that an audible gasp escaped his lips. He surveyed a body that neither looked or felt like his. His sides were dappled with angry purple bruises that reached their painful tendrils across his chest, which itself was covered with grazes and cuts. His hips were bruised, his knees were raw, his ankles rope burned. Every joint seemed to be damaged or discoloured. No wonder he felt like shit. He suddenly remembered Kazama’s beating, his heart racing as the memories flashed back to him. He covered his unsightly broken body. Turning his face toward the wall, suppressing a sob and willing himself not to cry. ‘It’s over now. You’re home.’ He reassured himself out loud. 

He heard the noise of the door slide open. Yamazaki looked towards the visitor, immediately relieved to see Hijikata's face.

“You’re awake? You should be resting.”

The Commander’s voice was low and comforting as he came to kneel beside the futon. He looked tired, his face etched with worry. He wanted desperately to hold Yamazaki tightly. To kiss him, to bundle him away from everything and everyone. He’d been in the room last night when Dr Matsumoto had examined an unconscious Yamazaki. When the Dr had stripped him and cleaned him up, the full evidence of Kazama’s abuse had broken Hijikata to witness. His beautiful body was a mass of cuts and bruises so obscene that Hijikata had privately wept at the sight of it. Yamazaki had four broken ribs, numerous cuts and abrasions and a dislocated shoulder. The wound to his head would likely leave a permanent scar. In all honesty he’d been so badly injured that he was lucky to be alive. 

This was the first time in several hours that he'd been awake. Hijikata had tortured himself alone waiting for Yamazaki to wake up. Selfishly he needed reassurance that things were ok. He couldn’t get the way that Yamazaki had looked at him in his fury form at the riverbank out of his mind. He’d seen the look of betrayal close up. He was terrified of seeing it again. He wanted to explain things to Yamazaki. Try and justify his actions, but he knew it wasn't the time. He didn't really know what to say. He fiddled with the corner of the bed linen, smoothing it below his fingertips. 

"How...are you feeling?" He said quietly

Yamazaki moved a bandaged hand towards Hijikata's fingers, hooking them under his own. A smile spread across his battered features as he gazed into the Commander's eyes. He ignored the question - his physical condition was not what he wanted to talk about.

"You are a sight for sore eyes" his voice was horse and crackled as he spoke. Apparently even his voice was damaged. Still he didn’t care, he had things to say. Yesterday he’d been convinced he was going to die, he wasn’t going to waste a moment.

"When I thought it was helpless, You were the only thing that I could see." He squeezed Hijikata's fingers gently, the pain in his hands worth it for the sensation of holding Hijikata's hand in his own once again. "I never thought I'd get back to you"

Worlessly, Hijikata bent down, his lips brushed softly on Yamazaki's own. It was gentle, tender, and barely even a kiss. His face hovered millimetres from Yamazaki. 

"I couldn't lose you" he whispered,

"It’s why I made the choices I did, and I'm sorry I know how you felt about this, but..." he trailed off, the words to express himself adequately failing him.

Yamazaki's face looked puzzled. "Choices? Sorry?" What was the Commander talking about? Did he mean the choice to pretend to go through with the exchange? Or something else? He looked in to Hijikata's eyes, flicking back and forth between them. They suddenly seemed unusually guilty. 

"I don't...understand, Commander, sorry things are a bit..." Yamazaki looked at him worridly.

Hijikata suddenly realised that Yamazaki might not remember everything that had happened. He’d been through an intense ordeal and had almost died. It was unsurprising that things weren't clear for him. His heart ached at the bitter sweet notion that Yamazaki had forgotten seeing him as a fury, but the thought that he'd have to explain it to him again - see that look of disappointment again, it was like picking at a scab. It was for the best he didn’t remember. 

"Nothing. Don’t worry my darling, I'm just rambling. I’m just so glad to have you back." Hijikata lied, reassuring him. He nudged the tip of his nose to Yamazaki’s who gave him a cautious smile. Hijikata referring to him as ‘darling’ made his heart skip, and with his handsome face pressed near to him, he couldn’t concentrate. He knew something wasn't right but didn't have the energy to push it further. He just wanted to have Hijikata near him.

“Will you stay with me?” Yamazaki asked quietly. 

He felt certain that the answer would be no, after all how would the Commander explain it to the other captains without outing them? Hijikata said nothing, instead he closed the gap between their lips once more, kissing Yamazaki slightly more urgently this time, his tongue briefly brushed at his upper lip as he pulled back, stopping himself before he went too far. Yamazaki soaked in the kiss, he could barely feel the pain of his injuries when Hijikata kissed him - the Commander was the sweet anaesthetic that he needed.

Hijikata gently stroked Yamazaki’s crown, his hair soft and clean below his fingertips. He didn’t care at this point who knew about them, or what anyone thought or that he would have to break Yamazaki’s trust all over again. Right now he just wanted to be near him, to hold him like he had the night before all of this happened. Laying beside him and watching him sleep would have to do. Carefully Hijkata lay down on the edge of the futon, making sure not to lean too close to protect Yamazaki’s broken ribs. His hand rested below Yamazaki’s, his fingers gently interlinked. 

“After everything, I never want you out of my sight.”


	15. Duty is Different - Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He’d given up his human life for Susumu and although he regretted nothing, somehow he didn’t think that Yamazaki would easily accept that.” 
> 
> Hijikata is forced to confront his decisions.

15.

Hijikata stood before the small shrine in the inner courtyard. He’d finally ventured outside after what seemed like another long day indoors. The days were getting shorter and he was thankful that it was dusk when the sun's debilitating rays were finally dipping below the skyline. He didn’t often stand here in the courtyard, but since the incident he’d felt so conflicted that he hoped that prayer with the spirits could guide him. He knew that the weight he felt was mostly because he still hadn’t found a way to tell Yamazaki about becoming a fury. It had been a little over a week since Togetsukyō bridge. Yamazaki had spent most of this time resting and sleeping, recovering from his ordeal. Hijikata had been a frequent presence, ensuring he checked in on Susumu throughout each day. He'd spent most nights lying beside Yamazaki, only returning to his own room once he'd fallen asleep. Although the Captains had known that Hijikata had been in Yamazaki’s quarters overnight, none of them had asked about their relationship. He was unclear whether that was because it was obvious after Togetsukyō or whether they simply considered it irrelevant. Either way, he felt grateful that there wasn't a necessity to answer questions about his love for Susumu. At some point he would need to discuss it with Kondou - something else on his ever growing list of things he was avoiding.

Telling Kondou that he was in love with his subordinate was going to be infinitely easier than being truthful with Yamazaki though. Telling Yamazaki might be the hardest thing he’d ever do. He was terrified that Susumu would never forgive him for breaking his promise, or worse, that he would blame himself for Hijikata’s decision. Whatever the outcome, he needed to tell him sooner rather than later. The other Captains all knew, and before long Yamazaki would return to operations and would find out anyway. He needed to be the one to explain. Whatever the cost, he owed him at least that much.

He’d given up his human life for Susumu and although he regretted nothing, somehow he didn’t think that Yamazaki would easily accept that. Leaning forward, he picked up one of the small incense sticks beside the shrine and lit it. Again, it had been some time since he’d done this. He generally disliked the smell of incense, always reminding him of death. Perhaps this was apt though given how he felt, as if he was acknowledging the death of his former human self. Placing it upright in the sand of the shrine, he watched as the orange tip glowed before going out, the sickly scent drifted up in smokey curls, burning its way down the shaft. Silently, as the stick reduced to dust, he hoped that it would purify the darkness that he now feared lurked deep within him. Like it or not, now he was truly a demon in more than just name.

** ** **

Returning indoors, unable to leave his thoughts at the shrine, he padded gently down the corridor, quickly reaching Yamazaki’s quarters. The only way to get forgiveness is to ask for it, he thought with a heavy heart as he slid open the door.

Yamazaki looked toward the door as he entered. Hijikata had opened the door without knocking, expecting Susumu to be asleep. He had been in bed the majority of the week, and to see him up was actually quite comforting. He was stood before the table in the centre of the room which had a large ceramic wash bowl and a cloth. He'd half removed his kimono, leaving him exposed to the waist. The fabric bunched like an apron, hanging from the belt tied at his hips.

“Commander, sorry... I wasn’t expecting you.” 

Yamazaki blushed, embarrassed by the thought of Hijikata seeing his scarred body. With some effort, he pulled at the kimono to cover himself, Hijikata's gaze too much to bear at this point. He winced, the fabric catching his dislocated shoulder painfully. Clearly it had been easier to remove than it would be to put back on with his injury. 

Hijikata moved toward him, making him pause.

“Susumu, come now, It's only me.” He said softly. 

Carefully he reached out towards the belt, his fingers drawing the braided end through the knot it until it came undone, the fabric falling from Yamazaki’s hips, exposing his body fully to the sudden coldness of the night air. Tenderly, Hijikata hung the kimono over Yamazaki’s shoulders like a cape. For a moment, he made no move to refasten the belt, instead letting his eyes run over Yamazaki a little longer. Selfishly, it felt like an eternity since he’d seen Yamazaki naked, and as usual the vulnerability, the innocence and the embarrassment on display was a disgusting trigger for him, making Yamazaki irresistible. 

Yamazaki pulled the fabric closer to him, the awkwardness of his movements caused the light weight fabric to fall from his shoulders once again. He sighed in frustration.

“I...I don’t want you to see me this way” he said quietly. His voice cracking and emotional.

Ignoring him, Hijikata reached out, gently fingering the tender yellowing bruise on Yamazaki’s hipbone. His thumb stroking against its warmth. Yamazaki felt powerless. He didn't want the Commander to see him this pitiful, this ugly. Yet just like always, his body betrayed him, unable or unwilling to retreat from his touch whenever Hijikata was near.

"Please, don't..." he begged uselessly,

Hijikata knew he should stop, he was guilty of so many things at this point. His brain and his body had stopped communicating with eachother almost the moment he'd seen Yamazaki half-naked. Something else was driving him, Yamazaki was vulnerable and quivering below his touch, it was intoxicating. His hand moved up his chest, tracing the each injury as he went. His fingertips resting over the ridges of the bloodied scabs and mottled bruises. Yamazaki watched him, his eyes tearful, his pulse heavy under his skin. A further protest died on his lips as Hijikata drew closer and kissed him.

It was just as Hijikata remembered, warm and inviting, comforting and urgent. Hijikata knew he had to be gentler - Yamazaki had been beaten within an inch of his life only a week ago, he willed himself to show restraint, despite how much he wanted him in this moment. His lips moved against Yamazaki's, plump, warm, and responsive. His tongue pushed into his mouth, writhing against Yamazaki’s own, a moan escaping his lips as he did so. Hijikata slid a hand over the warm, scarred skin of Yamazaki’s buttock, resting it in the crease where it met his thigh, drawing his hips, toward his own. He could feel the thickness of Yamazaki’s arousal against his own, there was no way he was in a fit state to do half of the things that Hijikata had in mind, this was almost cruel knowing that just holding his warm, naked body for a moment wouldn’t be enough.

Yamazaki leaned into Hijikata’s arms. Despite how hideous he felt, he was relieved that the Commander seemed not to care. Indeed the hard cock pressed into his own indicated that he was still very much desirable despite his patchwork appearance. The embrace was uncomfortable on his shoulder and ribs, however he was too caught up in the sensation of Hijikata’s touch to care. He hadn’t noticed that the wound on his collarbone had opened, blood leaching from the cut, soaking into the Commander’s haori.

As he moved his lips lower, kissing the tender spot on Yamazaki’s neck below his earlobe, Hijikata suddenly started to feel peculiar. His heart was racing, hammering against his rib cage uncontrollably but it was different to the lustful pounding of seconds ago, this was foreign and unnerving. In spite of the proximity of Yamazaki’s warm body, Hijikata started to feel oddly cold. He struggled to focus, but for some reason all that he could hear was Yamazaki’s pulse under his skin, as he kissed him. He could almost feel the blood moving under his lips, suddenly all he could think about was blood. The sound it was deafening. He could feel his body chilling, the more and more aware of the blood he became the worse it got. ‘It can’t be. My god, not now...I haven't told him.’ He thought desperately.

“No!” Hijikata cried involuntarily, suddenly pulling away,

Turning his head away. He grabbed on to the nearby table, the movement violently shaking the bowl spilling the water over the tabletop. His breath was ragged and he was shaking. Yamazaki watched him, wide eyed and frightened. What was happening? He reached for him but Hijikata put out a hand to stop him.

“Stay...back..” he begged “I never wanted it to be this way. I was going to tell you... but.. oh god...I can’t...”

Yamazaki watched in disbelief as the Commander’s long ebony hair started to drain its colour before his eyes. Immediately he knew what Hijikata had meant nights ago about being sorry for his choices. He had taken the water of life, broken his promise and ignored everything Yamazaki had said. He'd lied to him and exchanged his own life to save Yamazaki's. Guilt welled inside the pit of his stomach, nausea taking hold as he stifled a retch. Before his eyes, the horror of what that poison was doing to the Commander was unbearable to behold. Despite the bitterness of his betrayal burning a hole in Yamazaki's freshly broken heart, he couldn’t stand to see Hijikata in pain. He still loved him so much, in this moment he could do nothing other than try to help him. 

Hijikata's shoulders shook, gasping like a fish out of water, holding on to the edge of the table with all of his strength as if he was fighting the transformation. He could feel the overwhelming desire for blood, anyones blood. It was all he could imagine. All he could smell. He could hear it in his ears and feel it under his skin. The bloodlust was something he'd anticiapted one day, but he'd never expected to happen this quickly. He wondered if the proximity to Yamazaki's wounds had somehow triggered this. Was Susumu still here? He needed to get out before he did something he couldn't take back. He willed the strength to move but his feet stayed rooted to the floor. Sweating, his pulse thready and panting like an animal, he’d never felt so trapped and desperate. 

“Please, let me help you, I can’t bear it!” Yamazaki cried, putting his hand over the Commander’s own. Hijikata turned, his eyes blood red, his skin pale. 

“No, ...I can’t protect you from myself, the blood...I...need...this was a mistake...” he trailed off 

Without hesitation, Yamazaki reached out toward Hijikata's katana fastened at his hip. Withdrawing it a few inches from the saya, he ran his thumb along the blade, slicing a small cut into the pad. Deliberately he pushed his bloodied thumb between Hijikata's lips.

Hijikata’s crimson eyes looked back at him, shocked, pleading and desperate. A tear slipping from the corner of his eye as he closed them.

The bitter, metallic taste of Yamazaki’s blood sent shockwaves through Hijikata’s brain as it hit his tongue. Relief washing over him almost immediately, the heartbeat pulsating in his ears began to subside. This was immoral and so wrong but he needed it, oh god how he needed it. Moments before he’d felt as if he was going insane. It was frightening not to fully understand the power of what he’d become. Would it always be like this when the bloodlust took hold?

Greedily he sucked on Yamazaki’s thumb, the blood mixing with his saliva, a heady almost pheremonal sensation taking hold of him as his body responded to the chemicals of Yamazaki’s blood, silencing the pain receptors as it coursed around his body. His tongue rolled over the wound, and he pressed it on the split, widening it slightly, his body craving more blood than was being yielded. Yamazaki’s thumb flinched in reflex to the pain. Hijikata opened his eyes, mortified by his behaviour. Unbecoming of both a leader, and a lover. This was pathetic. 

Yamazaki’s index finger smoothed his cheek, his thumb still between Hijikata’s lips. 

“It’s okay,” he gave a weak smile, unable to summon the energy to hide the worry in his eyes, or the pain in his heart as he did so.

He reached out for Hijikata with his free hand, finding his palm, threading his fingers through Hijikata’s own. It was comforting and Hijikata was unbelievably grateful, knowing he deserved none of this. He was a liar and a fraud. Yamazaki flexed the thumb in Hijikata’s mouth slightly, fresh blood welling into the cut. Hijikata’s brain sighed as the droplets melted into his tongue. His heart was slowing down again. The panic subsiding.

Yamazaki stroked the Commander's cheek soothingly. His kimono was crumpled at his feet. Stood there in his bruised nakedness, while the fearless Commander of the Shinsengumi suckled on his thumb like an infant. He wondered how things ended up like this. How a week had changed the course of their lives forever. He'd faced his own death and been confronted with the reality that Hijikata had done the same. It hurt, but perhaps what cut deepest was that the Commander had shortened his own life for him.

'I never wanted this for you, why couldn’t you believe me? I was not worth this. You should have just let me die” Yamazaki thought pointlessly. It wasn't the time to say anything though, but he knew at some point soon they would both have to confront their choices.


	16. Duty is Different - The Unforgiven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “In that moment, the penny dropped for Hijikata. It wasn’t a question of whether Yamazaki could forgive him for becoming a fury. It was whether he could forgive himself for being the reason.”

16.

Ten minutes had passed since Yamazaki had forced his bloodied thumb between Hijikata’s lips. Those ten minutes of silence had stretched out like an eternity. He’d silently watched a version of a man he loved, but hardly recognised for the last 600 seconds. His skin ashen, his eyes crimson, his hair ghostly. Under it all he knew that the Commander, his Hijikata, was still there. Somewhere.

Lost in the drama of his bloodlust, Hijikata seemed oblivious to the passage of the time. Hungrily sucking on Yamazaki’s thumb, wordlessly and without respite. Something predatory and animal-like had overtaken him and it had frightened Yamazaki.

A warm droplet of saliva ran down the side of his knuckle, pooling on the heel of his hand. It tickled, the warmth rapidly cooling in the exposed air. Yamazaki shivered, whether it was the fear of the newly unknown version of the Commander, or the fact he was still naked was difficult to know. He watched the Commander’s chest. The panting of minutes ago was subsiding and he seemed to be stabilising. He kept a firm grip of the Commander’s fingertips, as if somehow he could hold on to a little piece of the old Hijikata by doing so. It was a lie though. The Commander was not the same man he was a week ago. He wasn’t even a man anymore. Of course the external appearances defined him as human, but in reality he was now a demon. A being that could turn on the head of a pin, that could slash and destroy without remorse. Someone who couldn’t be controlled or tamed. Was Hijikata Toshizo gone forever? Who was the man in front of him now? Did he look the same? Act the same? The question he couldn’t bring himself to ask was whether that man would still feel the same?

As he’d realised what Hijikata had done, the guilt had started to burn away at him like acid. Up until that moment there had been very little he’d remembered about Togetsukyō. Events before falling from the bridge and awaking at the compound had been the size of it. However, as he’d seen the Commander transform, he’d suddenly caught a glimpse of him in his mind's eye. A memory of looking up from the riverbank, a moment before the darkness, seeing the Commander in his fury form. He felt betrayed, but mostly he felt guilty. Guilty for being the reason that the Commander had abandoned the regiment. Abandoned his ideals and his honour. For someone like the Commander, whose honour meant so much to him, Yamazaki struggled to rationalise this decision. Did the rest of the Captains know? Did they defend this decision? Panic gripped him at the idea of the other Captains knowing of his relationship with the Commander. Chizuru’s relationship with Heisuke had been tolerated, but it was much more conventional, more easily accepted. It wasn’t really about the relationship being with his Commander, it was more about what Hijikata had been willing to risk for him. Would they blame Yamazaki for driving the Commander to this decision. He wasn’t part of the leadership, just someone close to it. He was insignificant, the other captains outranked him, and rightly so. Had Kondou agreed to this? Did he know too?

Too many questions swirled in his mind, fear and confusion fogging his reality. He barely noticed Hijikata open his eyes, watching him.

Hijikata looked at Yamazaki lost in thought. He was staring at him directly but not seeing him, eyes glazed into the middle distance. By contrast Hijikata's mind was alert and intense, the bloodlust had all but dissipated, leaving his fury senses heightened. Just as before, it was like he could hear things more sharply, anticipate thoughts and movement more quickly. The thing he could sense most keenly was the fear and apprehension radiating from the man in front of him. 

He brought his free hand up, closing it around the hand at his cheek, the touch snapping Yamazaki back into life, jolted by the surprise, his thumb arched inside Hijikata's mouth as the Commander's hand slowly withdrew it from his lips. Hijikata held his hand in suspense, from this angle, he could see the skin on the pad of the thumb up close, puckered and pruny from being sucked. Self-loathing and embarrassment stirred within him. He could still hear Yamazaki's heartbeat with his heightened senses, and despite everything he could smell the blood. It was faint, but there, taunting him. There was nothing he could do but open himself to fate.

"Forgive me Susumu." 

The words had left his lips before he could think of anything else. The idea that he could feel the fear in Yamazaki was too much to bear. He knew that Susumu feared this new demon body of his, if he was honest, having experienced the bloodlust, he did too. Susumu had come to his aid, given his blood willingly to stave the madness, but he was trying to save the old, human, Hijikata. Bring him back from this unfamiliar, duplicate that frightened him. There was no indication whatsoever that he accepted Hijikata as who he now was. More than anything though, Hijikata needed his forgiveness. Knowing that even if he gained forgiveness, it may never lead to Yamazaki's acceptance. 

Yamazaki said nothing. His eyes avoided Hijikata's own, instead focused on his own hand. Hijikata gently released his grip on Susumu's wrist. Almost idly Yamazaki rubbed the thumb against his index finger, the ridged skin uncomfortable and stiff. His other hand still held Hijikata's, their fingers threaded like lovers. For the first time this touch felt foreign to him. His hand twitched as if to acknowledge the discomfort. Hijikata was starting to come apart at the seams. Why wasnt he saying anything? Yamazaki let go of his hand. Hijikata froze, holding his breath, the cold air on his palm stung with the sudden absence.

"Why. Why are you asking for my forgiveness, Commander?"

Yamazaki's voice was quiet, but cold. He still didn't look at Hijikata. His head dipped in a bow, his voice muffled against his chest. Hijikata's anxiety was reaching fever pitch. He reached toward Yamazaki's chin, desperate to bring him to meet his eyes. He paused. He suddenly felt like he had no right to touch him. Impose his will on him. 

"Because I broke my promise to you, Susumu. I knew how you felt about the water of life, but I did it anyway. Please, I understand I have trampled over everything. I just didn't know how to save you. I couldn't let you go..."

He paused. His eyes focused on Yamazaki, overwhelming sadness washing over him, he was desperate to make Susumu see how sorry he was. 

"I dont want to let you go. Can you forgive me, and accept what I have become?"

He reached a tentative finger towards Yamazaki's hand as if he were going to take it, Yamazaki looked up at him suddenly, eyes sharpened, tearful, and dark with fury.

"Forgive you Commander? Forgive you! Dont you even understand why I'm asking?"

Yamazaki's eyes spat fire, his hand batted away Hijikata's as he spoke. Hijikata was taken aback, Susumu had never spoken to him like this before. Unbridled rage rolled out of him like thunder. 

"How can you not understand? How fucking dare you ask me to forgive you! You of all people, how can you ask me that?" 

His voice was now raised and he was shaking. Small flecks of spittle appeared at the corner of his mouth, his bruised and beaten frame somehow pumped up with emotion. Hijikata stood dumbfounded, impotent with the fear of loss, he deserved this rage, this hatred, but he hadn't truly expected it, not from his Yamazaki.

"Fucking answer me...!" 

The full force of the punch hit Hijikata squarely on the chest, knocking him backward. Yamazaki shrieked, recoiling in agony from using his dislocated shoulder. The shockwaves of the pain sending his body into spasm, causing him to collapse onto the floor.

"Yamazaki san!"

Finding his feet, Hijikata reached for the crumpled figure below him. Yamazaki pushed at him with his good arm, holding him back.

"No, no, don't....how could you?" Yamazaki sobbed, heavy uncontrolled breaths. Hijikata ignored Yamazaki's protest, pulling him into a forced embrace. 

"Please, Yamazaki, I don't understand, Oh God....forgive me"

The sound of Yamazaki's weeping grew louder, sobs vibrating against Hijikata's chest. He could feel the wetness of the tears through his clothing. Yamazaki was tense and spikey in his arms, pushing at him determined to be released. Hijikata held him more firmly, his huge frame easily wrapping around the smaller man.

"Talk to me, please. Susumu, I’m begging you...tell me how to fix this"

Yamazaki stopped struggling against Hijikata’s hold. Defeated, he finally turned his head toward Hijikata, his face streaked with tears and snot. His long eyelashes clumped together, his soft cheeks flushed, lips quivering. Blood from the open cut on his collar had smeared onto his chin in the scuffle, mixing with the other fluids on his face.

"You really dont understand, Commander. I can't believe you would ask for my forgiveness when....when....I don't understand how you have forgiven me..."

In that moment, the penny dropped for Hijikata. It was never a question of whether Yamazaki could forgive him for becoming a fury. It was whether he could forgive himself for being the reason. How could he have been so ignorant? So self absorbed. He opened his mouth to speak, but Yamazaki cut him off...

"Because of me, you have become something you despised, the same creature that took Gen from you. How can you honestly look at me, knowing you became a demon to save me and ask me to forgive you? I should be the one begging you!” 

He wiped his nose on the back of his hand, holding back momentarily from saying the words that were slowly destroying him, 

“I'm sorry Commander, but I dont know how to forgive myself for you choosing me over your humanity."

Tears rolled down Yamazaki's cheek, dripping from his jawline onto his chest. Yamazaki felt small in his arms, Hijikata was overwhelmed with the need to protect him, heal him. He still needed saving. Suddenly, in that moment, he knew what he needed to say.

"I forgive you, Susumu, but it's you who doesn't understand. My darling, dont grieve for my humanity because I was never human before you found me. I was cold and alone and focused only on war, pride and honour. There was nothing human about the way I was before us. You are my humanity. You are my strength. When you were taken, I knew I would die without you. I couldn't think of anything other than getting you back. I took the water of life because I was a coward, and that I couldn't risk not being able to defend you against that Demon. I knew I'd promised not to use the water of life, but I swore if we survived I would spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Now, will you please, please forgive this foolish old man?"

Hijikata took a deep breath, his eyes searching for the answers on the face of the man in his arms. Yamazaki grabbed a fist full of Hijikata's snow white ponytail pulling the Commander's face toward his own, his lips connected with Hijikata's, his face wet and sticky, it wasnt an answer, but it was as much as Hijikata needed.

"I love you." Hijikata whispered against Yamazaki's lips as he rocked them back and forth on his heels. It was the first time he’d ever said those words out loud, the first time he’d said them to anyone, and he meant them.

The three little words connected with Yamazaki in a way he’d never imagined, everything in the world, all their problems, their fights and their drama, somehow paled into insignificance. He wanted the Commander more than anything in the world, to be with him as one forever. Those words healed his body and his mind, and he suddenly wanted to hear them over and over. 

Yamazaki turned, forcing them backwards onto the tatami. Sitting atop the Commander, he hovered above him, his flushed face darkening with new emotions.

“Tell me again...”

Hijikata looked momentarily shocked, unused to being in such pliant circumstances. The rage that Yamazaki had shown only minutes ago had clearly awakened a dormant dominance within him. It was incredibly sexy. Predictably, blood rushed toward his groin, turned on by this sudden impulsive, side of his lover. Yamazaki stared deeply into his eyes, willing the words from his lips. His toned willowy body bearing down on him, searing with a newfound heat. Hijikata dared to smile.

“I love you, Yamazaki Susumu” 

Yamazaki closed the gap between them, kissing Hijikata softly on the lips. Lips that had finally spoken the words he’d longed for all his life. The Commander’s kiss increased with urgency, his hand sliding down his rib cage and coming to rest over his buttocks. Doubled over, sat astride Hijikata, he could feel the heat of his erection as it bobbed against him as they kissed. He wanted the Commander to express those words physically. Nothing else would do. The words slipped carelessly from his mouth.

“Fuck me, Commander. Show me how much you love me."


	17. Duty is Different - Our Song

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Yamazaki had found his voice. That voice demanded satisfaction"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This final climax (lol) of my fic is very NSFW. I hope you all enjoyed reading my Samurai love story. Thank you all for reading! <3

17.

Never had Yamazaki imagined that he would be so demanding. Somehow by the Commander appearing vulnerable, no matter how fleetingly, their dynamic had shifted. He’d found his voice. That voice demanded satisfaction.

He rocked backward astride Hijikata’s abdomen until his buttocks found the hardness of the Commander’s dick already straining at his hakama. Hijikata’s eyes watched him intently as Yamazaki maintained eye contact, moving his hips to brush up against the tented fabric. It was lewd, and explicit, and Hijikata shuddered with the agony of it, a damp patch appearing almost instantly on the surface of the cloth.

Hijikata held back, biting his lip. Months of desire to make Yamazaki his screamed within him. He’d imagined it many times, buried balls-deep into that beautiful man, slow-fucking to a heady climax. Now though, having finally expressed his love, with Yamazaki fragile mentally and physically, he wondered whether he was taking advantage again? Reluctantly, he needed to give Yamazaki the opportunity to take it back, just to be sure.

“Fuck...Susumu, we can’t...your injuries....” 

His eyes flicked to Yamazaki’s shoulder, then back to his eyes. Yamazaki reached down toward the knotted obi at Hijikata’s waist. The Commader’s eyes followed his hands. From where he was sat, the knot of the belt rested just below his balls, the flushed head of his cock inches above it, proud, unmarked and beautiful. He wasn’t going to be able to resist much longer. Reading his thoughts, Yamazaki moved back again, his ass brushing against Hijikata once more. His fingers dancing over the knot. 

“You had better think of a way to be gentle with me then....Toshi”

Yamazaki had never before used the Commander’s pet name. He’d heard Kondou and Gen use it many times. Somehow it had never seemed appropriate until now. The effect was just as anticipated. Hijikata liked the sound of his name in Susumu’s mouth, it meant something. He wanted to hear him scream it, he couldn’t help himself, he was out of control and completely unleashed.

“Up!” He barked, pushing himself off the tatami, sending Yamazaki stumbling backward. Hijikata caught him by the waist pulling him toward him, his hands all over him, caressing his broken skin, making fresh marks with his nails and teeth. It didn’t matter, there was no pain for Yamazaki now. Those three words had pushed all pain over the line into nothing but pleasure, he was ready to be devoured by this beloved demon. 

With his good arm, Yamazaki began to pull at Hijikata’s clothes, wanting to see the evidence of the Commander’s desire for him. Hijikata shrugged out of his kosode, hurling it to the ground as his lips traced desperate kisses over his lover’s neck. Yamazaki’s fingers pulled at the fastenings of the garments determined to completely disrobe the Commander, gasping as Hijikata pressed into him as his hakama fell to his ankles. Yamazaki could feel the damp cotton of the fundoshi against his skin. The last item of clothing between him and Hijikata. He ran a hand over the front, palming the hardness below it. Hijikata growled into his neck, grinding his hips upwards into his touch.

“My Demon” Yamazaki cooed as he slipped his hand under the fabric. 

Hijikata moaned as Susumu’s fingers connected with his skin, his own hands grasping to reciprocate. Settling into a rhythm of mutual mastubation, careening toward an ecstatic high, they fell wordlessly lost in the moment peaking in hot white ribbons that spilled over their pale, sweat-soaked skin. 

Yamazaki fell into the Commander's arms, his face clammy against Hijikata's muscular chest. Beads of sweat ran from his hair, down his pectoral. Yamazaki stuck out his tongue to catch the salty droplet, making Hijikata shudder.

"More..." he panted, his hair plastered to his forehead with sweat. "Take me..."

Hijikata said nothing, kissing the top of Susumu's head, his warm breath tickled his scalp as he smiled to himself. Yamazaki felt the Commander's hands move towards his buttocks, gently parting them. His fingertips, slick with their cum, tentatively slid over the tight ring of muscle. Hijikata savoured the moment, something he'd imagined many times, an image he'd jerked off to had finally arrived and he was determined for it to meet every expectation of the fantasy. 

Yamazaki bit into his lip as the Commander's finger entered him, burying his face into his chest. He felt hot, so very, very warm, the sensation was more intense than he'd expected. Hijikata moved his finger slowly, carefully stretching the delicate skin, reaching for the sweet spot he knew would send Yamazaki over the edge. Yamazaki's fingernails dug into his skin as he inserted a second finger, moaning and drooling into his chest, unraveling below his fingertips as he moved them repeatedly over Yamazaki's tender spot.

"Do you like that, my love?" He whispered 

He felt Susumu cum for a second time, spilling hot over him, slippery and delightful.

"Fuck me" was the only reply he got, muffled and moaned into his skin

"Patience, darling" he rasped, as he pushed in a further digit. Yamazaki whimpered in protest, impatiently grinding himself forward into Hijikata. The anticipation was unbearable, logically he understood the longer this went on the better, but he was weakened and desperate. The pent up emotion he felt for the Commander was too much to bear.

"Toshi...." he whined 

Hijikata withdrew his fingertips at the sound of his name, drawing Susumu into a deep kiss as he ran a hand over the flushed head of his dick. "Toshi" Yamazaki murmured again, the word vibrated against Hijikata's lips

Scooping Yamazaki into his arms he moved toward the futon, laying him gently onto the top of the freshly cleaned kakebuton. Yamazaki stared up at him, eyes heavy, his cheeks blushing and his lips swollen. He really was the most gorgeous thing Hijikata had ever seen. He leaned over him, bracing his hand beside his shoulder. He placed a chaste kiss on the tip of his lover's nose, almost ridiculous given what he was about to do, but he somehow couldn't help himself. Yamazaki smiled up at him.

"I love you Toshi," he said, putting a hand on Hijikata's cheek, thumb resting on his lips, just as he always did.

"Show me how much you love me," he repeated 

Hijikata turned to kiss Yamazaki's palm, at the same time reaching for his thigh, allowing Yamazaki to rest it against his shoulder as he gently entered him.

Yamazaki spasmed around his girth, becoming accustomed to the new intense feeling. His eyes rolled back with pleasure, his dick twitching, cum leaching from the head as it hovered over his stomach. Hijikata stayed still, gently stroking the thigh by his ear, soaking up Yamazaki's movements around him. Slowly he started to move his hips, eyes trained on Yamazaki, gently increasing the rhythm until he bottomed out.

Yamazaki looked beautiful below him. It was as if Hijikata could no longer see the scars and cuts, they no longer existed for him. He could only see Susumu's lips as they cooed, and cried, and gasped as he thrust deeper and deeper. He reached down, fisting at Yamazaki's throbbing cock, meeting the strokes with the rhythm of his thrust. 

Susumu let out a sudden stream of expletives that goaded Hijikata onward. Yamazaki's hands clawed at the bed linen, his breath ragged, close to coming. 

"Oh.... oh...fuck...Toshi...I...love...ngg..ahhhh" Yamazaki cried, gurgling his words into gibberish, as his back arched. His body tightened pleasingly around Hijikata as he came, drooling and panting. 

Smiling with delight, Hijikata chased his orgasm, taking in the lewdness of the bliss-fucked angel below him. Primally, he growled, spilling hotly into Yamazaki, marking him as his forever.

Exhausted and dizzy, he withdrew, gently lowering Yamazaki's leg onto the bedclothes. He couldn't resist running his hand lovingly over the slick side of the younger man's body as he drew him into his arms, his large frame spooning into him.

"I never expected to find a love like this. My life was so full of duty, I might never have found it without you" Hijikata said, breaking the silence. He smoothed the delicate hairs on Yamazaki's forearm below his fingers. Yamazaki turned to look at Hijikata, his eyes overflowing with adoration.

"Duty is different" he whispered, as he placed a gentle kiss on his lover's chin.


End file.
